Friday, January 22, 2016

Water Water Everywhere, For The Love Of God Don't Have A Drink

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has had a pretty rough go of it the last while. All of it very deserved. He's fucked up beyond any kind of forgiveness, and should either quit or be dragged out of the governor's mansion in a new tar and feather coat. I know a lot of politics is subjective, but it's gotta be hard to be proud of the job you've done when children are literally being poisoned for years under your watch. So I have absolutely no sympathy for the self proclaimed nerd in Lansing. 
In Snyder’s defense, I’ll bet this is cheaper than clean water
Meanwhile while all the blame is being heaped on Snyder, General Motors has been seen putting it's hand it it's pockets and whistling nonchalantly as it walks out the back door. Yeah, Snyder had the idea to save money by giving people poisoned water, but he wasn't the one who spent the entirety of the last century dumping poison into the water. That honor goes to GM. Snyder neglected the situation because the people being affected because they were mostly poor and black, but he's not the one who spent seventy years building up a city, and the past thirty destroying it with malignant neglect.
To paraphrase Henry Ford “you can fuck over any city you want, so long as it’s black.”
Since about 1900 (give or take, I'm not looking up facts because this is a blog, and thems the rules) GM made a small timber town into a giant of auto manufacturing. They did this until about the 80s when the folks at top decided “fuck it, let’s get outta here.” Since then GM jobs have dropped about 90%. I'm not anti free trade necessairly.  People moved to Flint and lived in Flint because they had jobs. That's what pretty much the whole city economy was based on. GM moves out (or at least 90% of it did), and everything else goes down the tubes. Houses aren't worth as much becasue there aren't jobs there anymore. People can't just move away becasue they've invested in houses there and now they can't afford to leave them. So not only did GM, but when asked if they planned on cleaning up any of the environmental or socioeconomic mess they’d spent seventy years creating, local legend has it that the board of GM responded by laughing wildly while a pile of money burned as they literally peed on schoolchildren. 
There's a saying round Michigan when GM sneezes, America catches a cold. It was of course coined by a GM chairman. So I guess the update is when GM vomits poison into a water supply for a century the city that GM fucked over without a thought ingests poison. Not nearly as catchy, but what're you gonna do. So let’s destroy Rick Snyder, because fuck that guy, but let’s save some tar and feathers for folks at GM. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

2015 End Of Year Media Power Rankings

2015. What a year. What a year for media. Lots of great shit came out this year. Some I decided to take in. Most I didn’t. Who the fuck has the time to take in everything they put out every year. Who the fuck wants to. Most stuff sucks. And of the stuff that doesn’t suck it’s still probably not worth taking in. There’s already so much good shit out there. That’s what I spend most of the time doing. I’m sure some of the media that came out this year, I’ll end up taking in at some point. Maybe it will even be on next year’s power ranking. I wish them all the best of luck. 
5. The Professional
This isn’t the first time I’d seen this one. I watched it for the first time at my friend Greg’s house when I was a kid. We watched it there because he was allowed to watch cool movies and I was not. I noticed it was on Netflix, and couldn’t wait to revisit my old friends Leon and Mathilda. I’ve watched it twice this year. The first time I was little put off by Gary Oldman going full whatever the fuck you call that, but the second time through I was eating it up. 
4. Wild
I have to admit, I wasn’t even eager to see this one. Almost don’t want to describe the movie, because the premise sounds irritating. Lady having a rough go of it decides to “find” herself on the Pacific Crest Trail. Sounds like garbage right? Wrong. Shit load of credit to Reese Witherspoon for really selling someone going through some shit, and showing us this person warts and all. 
3. Best of Enemies
Even as a big dumb liberal I’ve always has a soft spot in my heart for William F. Buckley. Conversely I’ve always thought Gore Vidal was kind of a douche. I was aware of their debates, and the one in particular where Buckley calls Vidal a slur and threatens to punch him in the face. Seeing the build up to the debates, what brought them to be, how each man treated them, and how they brought about today’s media landscape was fascinating.
2. Star Trek VI The Undiscovered Country
Definitely my favorite TOS movie. One of my favorite Star Trek movies. Probably has something to do with the fact that this was the first one I saw in the theaters when I was a kid. I’m generally not a huge fan of the TOS crew. They’re fine, but TNG or DS9 are usually my drug of choice, but this has everything I love about Star Trek. It’s funny, silly, heavy handed, and exciting. If you’ve never seen a Trek movie I think this is the perfect one to start with.
1. Serenity

I don’t know where people put this on the list of greatest sci-fi of all time, but it deserves to be in the discussion. I don’t know how someone who has never watched Firefly would feel about this movie, but I can’t think of a movie I enjoyed watching more all year.
Honorable Mentions
Trainwreck and The Night Before. (Sorry. You were both good, but not good enough).
Dishonorable Mentions
Jurassic World and Mockingjay Part 2. 
5. Back in the World - Tobias Wolff 
This is a collection of short stories. I love Tobias Wolff. He has a memoir, a novel, a book of essays, and a few books of short stories. They’re all worth reading. His characters always seem to feel like people you know that you’re getting to peak in on for a small window of time. More often than not you’re getting to see these characters as they realize they’re not exactly who they thought they were. 
4. Oryx and Crake / Year of the Flood - Margaret Atwood
These two are a part of a trilogy, so I guess I should’ve read the last one before I judge the all of it, but I’ve only gotten this far yet. Atwood imagines a plague that destroys just about every person on Earth. The first book has you with one of the last people left. If was pretty good, but I really started to feel engaged when Atwood was fleshing out the world just before the flood in the second novel. I look forward to reading the conclusion in MaddAddam next year. 
3. Watership Down - Richard Adams
I wasn’t sold on the concept of a book about a bunch of bunnies doing bunny shit, but that’s because I was a fool. It’s sweet, but it’s never talking down to you. They’re rabbits with distinct personalities, but avoids anthropomorphizing them in a silly Disney way. They’re bunnies doing bunny shit. It’s sweet and funny I suggest you read it. 
2. In The Garden Of Beasts - Erik Larson
Erik Larson found his way to the power ranking last year for Devil in the White City about the Chicago World’s Fair and one of the most prolific serial killers ever. This year I read his story about America’s unlikely ambassador to Germany between the time of the Nazi’s rise to power and before World War 2. It’s written using personal letters and journals written mostly at the time. So the reader knows just how bad it’s gonna get while the characters keep on hoping for the best. 
1. The Plot Against America - Phillip Roth

This is the first thing I’d ever read by Roth, and I picked a doozy to start with. It’s an alternate history of America in which a rich man with fascist tendencies wins the presidency before America enters WW2. It follows a Jewish family in New Jersey as they try to adjust to the new reality of their country. It’s terrifying in just how mundane fascism can seem until it’s too late. 
Honorable Mention
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance 
Dishonorable Mention
Infinite Jest. Hey Wallace, go fuck yourself you dead pretentious piece of shit!
Music Division
5. Bars Of Gold - Wheels
Now here’s a band that knows how to woo the entertainment press such as myself, by giving me a free copy of their stuff. This has everything to do with the fact that I’m influential blogger, and nothing to do with the fact that I used to share an apartment with the drummer. Made up of parts of the bands Wildcatting and Bear Vs. Shark, so if you like either of those you should check this one out. Great album, great band, and Brandon Moss was a great roommate.  
4. Beirut - The Flying Club Cup
A recommendation from my friend Brad Hagen. Checked these guys out on one of the music streaming services and fell in love instantly. The band’s sound as described by the frontman is a combination of world and indie music. Sounds fucking awful right? But it’s not. 
3. Adele -25
Big year for Adele. I don’t want to attribute all of her success with being mentioned on this list last year, but she was on it before 25 broke all kinds of records. So Adele, you’re welcome. And thank you for giving us 25. It’s a much different album than I was expecting, but not in a bad way. Had I just been given 21 again I would’ve been happy for a bit, but ultimately would’ve been disappointed. First time through I wasn’t blown away. I liked it fine, but I didn’t realize how much I would grow to love it so quickly. 
2. (Tied) Live/Dead and Reckoning
I’m not usually a fan of live albums, and as much as I love The Dead I’m not crazy about all the jam stuff that’s associated with them. Live Dead and Reckoning are the exceptions. Live/Dead is everything that can go right when jamming. A 23 minute version of an, originally, three minute song probably sounds pretty excessive. Listen to Dark Star and then realize that that’s exactly how long that song needs to be. Reckoning is great because there isn’t a lot of live acoustic Dead stuff out there. Though it’s not quite as iconic as Live/Dead it’s great to hear some of the acoustic hits get the live treatment.
1. Grateful Dead - American Beauty 

I went a little Dead nuts this year. I’ve been a fan for a long time, and I kind of go through phases where I won’t listen to a Dead album for months, and then that’s all I’ll listen to for a while. Well I went all in for a while during the summer. American Beauty is not just my favorite Dead album, but up there with Abbey Road in that it’s as close to being a perfect album as there is out there. If you aren’t affected by the song Ripple you’re dead inside and I don’t want anything to do with you.
Honorable Mentions
Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs, Lorde, and two Meghan Trainor songs.
Dishonorable Mentions
Every other song on the Meghan Trainor album, and every song by Justin Bieber I that someone told be about by saying “no, it’s really good! I swear he’s matured as an artist.” No he hasn’t. He just added some dumb flutes or recorders or something. 
TV Division
5. Mad Men
Just started watching this show this year. I don’t know why I resisted for so long, but the whole idea just never seemed like something I’d get into. Turns out that a show that’s been on for years and has won multiple awards isn’t too shabby. Haven’t watched the part two of the last season yet, so I really like Don and co’s chance of making this list next year. Hopefully if they make this list two years running they won't have to be so mad. 
4. Daredevil / Jessica Jones
It’s probably not fair to rate these as one. So let’s just call it a tie. I liked them both a lot. Both received a shitload of acclaim as well as a bunch of people bitching about how heavy handed and cheese they could get. Yeah. They’re shows about folks with superpowers cleaning up the streets. It’s gonna get silly sometimes. They did some great stuff too. Daredevil had some of the best fight scenes I’d seen in a long time. I’m glad the era of the shaky cam is going away in favor a week choreographed fun to watch fight. Jessica Jones is real well written with characters that you almost immediately care about. That’s rare. Especially when I watch a lot of TV when doing other things. Ignore all the think pieces that tell you how “important” it is. It’s not empowering. It’s good. Or maybe it’s empowering, who gives a shit. I don’t know. I do know it’s really fun to watch. 
3. American Dad
Don’t know why I decided to watch this one. I think I remembered a real funny Christmas episode, and I wanted to rewatch it. After the injury I really got a chance to get some work done on my Netflix queue. A lot of people just automatically shit on it because it’s a Seth MacFarlane joint. And if you’ve seen Family Guy or the other one, you probably don’t think it’s worth giving a shot. But it is, and if you refuse to give a good show a try, then go fuck yourself. More for me. 
2.Black Mirror 
If you’ve heard about this show, it’s the fact that this is the show where the dude fucks a pig. Yes. He does. It’s pretty nuts. But aside from the pig fucking this might be one of the best crafted shows of all time. Each one shows you what a nightmare technology has become or can be. It’s smart and terrifying.
1. Game of Thrones 
(Even though this didn’t happen, it still gives me goosebumps)
This season didn’t start out as being my favorite, but good gravy they really grabbed me by the balls towards the end of it. I’d say this is the best show on this list, and I can’t get enough of it. I sometimes wonder if one of the reasons I like it so much is that I’m forced to wait a week to watch each new installment instead of shoving them all in my head at once like a goddamn monster. I’m watching them like the creators intended and also I get to process each installment before starting the next one. It’s certainly the only show on this list where I get angry that I’ve finished it, and have to wait until next season. 
Honorable Mentions
Scrubs, Fraser, The Sopranos, & The Wire
Dishonorable Mention
Making a Murderer. (Just kidding haven’t watched it yet.)
Well. That’s it. The media I enjoyed the most this past year. Anything I should have taken in but didn’t? Let me know. I’ll probably ignore it so I can Deep Space Nine again. Happy 2016 everyone. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Hey Star Wars, Go Fuck Yourself

Some people think that Star Wars is the greatest thing ever. Some people think that Star Wars sucks. Both people are very much wrong. Star Wars is pretty good. I like Star Wars. I look forward to seeing the new one. I don’t plan on seeing it opening weekend or anything. I bought tickets for the first showing where I’m guaranteed not to see an asshole with a lightsaber at the theater. I saw Empire when I was five years old. My friend had it on VHS. I liked it, but I didn’t see the rest of the trilogy until ten years later. I liked those just fine as well. So when I heard the prequels were coming out, I was pumped. My friend Brandon and I made plans to see The Phantom Menace three times in a row on opening day. I saw it once and decided to let him go it alone the remaining two times. 
What I’m saying is I don’t hate Star Wars. There’s something to be said for getting three kickass movies even if it’s only .500. But when it comes to sci-fi I prefer my stars trekked not warred. I was 12 when I saw my first episode of Star Trek: TNG. Afterwards I sure as shit didn’t wait ten years to watch another. I’m not saying you can’t like both Wars and Trek. It’s not an either or thing, but when one interferes with the other that’s when you got a beef. 

I never like my stars gated. 
When Enterprise went off the air in 2005 we were left Trekless for four years. After too long a drought we finally got a new Star Trek movie called Star Trek. It was good. It was just a reboot, but it was still a pretty goddamn good one. It was helmed by JJ Abrams. People liked it. They liked it so much that Abrams was not only put in charge of the second Star Trek, but was also tapped to direct the new Star Wars. At which point the whole fucking world went wookie shit. 
Bros, I’m such a nerd bros. I’m really into the most popular film franchise of all time bros.

Which is all fine and good. Star Wars isn’t my favorite. Trek is. But I’m not one of those assholes who thinks just because I like something better then the other shouldn’t exist. I’m not interested in any Bloods/Crips feud between the two. That was until the pop culture status of Star Wars as the “cool” sci-fi franchise had to up and fuck with my Trek. Turns out that even though the last three times we’d revisited that galaxy far far away it had sucked balls people were taking that new Star Wars pretty seriously, and Abrams didn’t want to mishandle such a vaunted piece of pop culture. So Abrams gave it a lot of time and energy. It took up so much of his time and energy that Abrams decided to make the followup to Star Trek really shitty. It was a lot of rehashed stuff from the 2009 one. It contained a plot twist that everyone saw coming seconds into seeing the first trailer. It was shat out and thrown in our troughs knowing full well we were going to see it regardless of what it looked like, because fuck those Trek folks. 
Hey. Fuck you John Harrison. 
Last weekend the world also got the first trailer for the next Star Trek. Blandly named Star Trek: Beyond. The trailer looks pretty fine, but I can’t wait to see it. This weekend the world gets The Force awakens, which I’ll admit looks pretty badass. But part of me kind of hopes that after this Star Wars does great Abrams is asked to remake The Godfather trilogy and in 2018 Star Wars fans everywhere get to watch in horror at a two and a half epic about a half Gungan half Ewok working as a Galactic Senate aid. 

Friday, December 11, 2015

Adam de Sokol: Democracy in America 2: ELECT THIS!* *Gestures To Dick

Reading the news. Reading my social media feed. Watching TV. Almost everyone seems to be pretty angry at a guy named Donald Trump. Well, thats not true. Just almost all the people I know seem to really hate the guy. A bunch of other people seem to really dig him, but I don’t know those folks so this all seems pretty one sided. 
Trump is running for president, and he’s an ass. This has happened before and it’ll happen again. I have to say I’m not too worried about the guy actually becoming the president so I don’t  plan on being worried about it too much. I should say I’m not a journalist or a professional prognosticator. But I do have roughly 75% of a political science degree And in my capacity as observer with more than one half of one poli-sci degree I’m able to pick up on certain election nuances that folks with <.5 poli-sci degree aren’t able to pick up on as easily.
My parents have this hanging on their wall next to my sisters' degrees
Trump is what we experts refer to as a “cunt” candidate. The kind of person who says some crazy shit, gets the media all stirred up, gets the nuttier aspects of the base all riled up, but ultimately fizzles out. (For another example see Reagan, Ronald)
This election is getting serious Mr. Kucinich, so you can go home now. 
That being said, one thing that I think is a tad fucked up about this election is I’ve heard folks on both sides say they plan on voting for the the person they plan on voting for because that’s the one that’s going to piss off the other side the most.
That’s means that our democracy is really just getting ever closer to becoming just a Mexican standoff. I used to think that was a bad thing. Used to…Until I remembered that for the past 7 years I’ve been Facebook friends with a prop comic. A prop comic who seemingly wakes up every morning for the sole purpose of getting angry at Obama. And I think about all the joy that man hating the president has brought me. So before you pull that lever make sure you think long and hard about not just who you’re voting for, but who you’re going to piss off in the process. 

Vote early. Vote often. Vote for spite in 2016.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Henry Ford: One Salty-a-Meatball

If you grew up in Michigan like I did then chances are you know a thing or two about Henry Ford. No area is more associated with the car industry than Detroit, and if you're going to give a face to the car industry it'd be none other than Henry Ford.

And for good reason: he was the one who brought two revolutionary ideas to the car industry. First, Ford was famous for applying the assembly line model that had never been used before (aside from the businesses that had already adopted it). Also, Ford was the first in the auto industry to try beating the shit out of workers for trying to form a union when his remarkable $5 a day without a pension or hope of a safe work environment wasn't enough.

Ford passed union leaders from thug to thug, each one specializing in hurting a specific part of the body. Revolutionary!

So you can see why he'd be such a big deal here. There are a number of museums about Ford and his company. Some of them are even pretty neat. In these museums there are a bunch of gift shops, and in these gift shops there are any number of books about Henry Ford. Very few of these books cover the part of Ford's life that involved hating Jews, but I guess that'd look weird in a gift shop next to a block of Michigan fudge. One of my favorite kind of Ford books are the book of quotes. These are fun because he was a highly quotable man.
Ford seen here thinking up some sick fucking quotes.
A lot of great quotes. Though some take on a very different meaning when you take into account Ford's rabid antisemitism. Such as "vision without execution is just hallucination." A little too on the nose if you ask me.

My favorite little fact about Ford is the rumor that he would never hire someone who put salt on their food before they ate it. Because I guess he thought anyone who salted something before they tried it was silly on account of not knowing something needed salt before you tried it right? I think that says the opposite of what Henry Ford thought. Hey Hank, just because I haven't tried THIS baked potato yet, doesn't mean I've never tried a baked potato yet in my entire life. I'm familiar with the concept of baked potatoes.

How is the person who salts a potato considered an idiot in this scenario and not the weirdo who thinks that every baked potato is so radically different that you're a fool if you put a dash of salt on it?
The more ambitious the Ford quote, the more uneasy minorities got. 

Also the guy hated Jews. A whole heck of a lot. In Henry Ford's world every potato on Earth is as unique as a snowflake and deserves to be tasted before you salt it, but at the same time saw fit to give Adolf Hitler lavish presents. Hating whole groups of people is the exact same as salting a whole punch bunch of potatoes. Only in this case he's not putting salt on potatoes without trying them, he's putting salt on Jews without trying them. So, I guess you can have any opinion of Henry Ford you want, so long as you think he's wrong.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Giving The Dissaffected Another Option

Even for America there have been a whole bunch of mass shootings recently. I will go on record as saying that I am definitely opposed to mass shootings, but this isn't going to be a piece that tells you what to think about guns. Chances are you already have an opinion on them that you're happy with. If you do need a new opinion on guns then read a goddamn paper or watch some news. They should be able to walk you through your new thoughts on the matter. Nothing I can say on a stupid blog is going to add to the conversation so who gives a shit.

What struck me about this past one the one in Oregon is that it's like the third shooting where the perpetrator made a point of saying he did it because he was sexually frustrated and angry at women.

Can't see why there was a problem.

I don't know how this became a thing, but I guess a guy was pretty angry at ladies. Shot a bunch of people. Now people who are angry at ladies just think that that's the thing to do at a certain point. Not sure why they think this is going to endear them to the fairer sex. You catch more flies with honey. I don't know the first thing about shooting a bunch of people, but I do know a whole hell of a lot about being a frustrated 20 something virgin. They think that this is the way out when they're at wits end so maybe all these guys need is another option. So guys who want to shoot up places maybe you should do what I did when I was at the end of my rope... take up bowling!

Now you shouldn't take up bowling as a means of meeting women, because that probably won't work for you. From what I recall it wasn't very popular with the ladies. More popular than shooting people, but still not very popular. You don't bowl because it's better than sex or a replacement for sex. It is not. You start bowling because bowling is it's own reward. I was never a very good bowler. When I started bowling i carried about a 120 average or so. After a whole lot of years I ended up carrying an average in the 160s (no big deal). One thing I still had trouble with was getting in the 200s. I dated ladies and I kept on bowling, but my high game stayed below 200 and my number of ladies slept with stayed below 1.

My dojo.

Until one day I was out bowling with my girlfriend and some other friends. It was a good night. Both my games were on point. That night i bowled above 200 for the first time. Then later that night I went back to my girlfriend's house and, as we in Michigan say, picked up the spare. I started that year as a sexually frustrated 20 something who'd never even dreamed about getting above the two hundred mark and ended it a man. Kind of.

You see what I'm trying to say disgruntled young men? I'm no outlier, g*d didn't grant me any special lady or bowling skills. What I'm trying to say is that women are like bowling a 200 plus game. Nobody owes you a five-bagger (five strikes in a row). You have to work for those. Yeah, there's some luck in there and the whole process can get frustrating, but you have to focus on the lanes you have. So if you're one of those crazy young men who plans on shooting someplace up because you're frustrated. Please try taking up bowling. I'm not saying that you're guaranteed to meet women doing it. I'm not even saying that women are at all impressed if you're good at it, but at least you get to go bowling.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Comedy by Bike Part 3: Toledo Drift

Really excited for this week. This will mark my third time doing a comedy by bike tour. This has been a shit load of fun both other times, so hopefully this won't be any different. I'd really like if you came to some of the shows depending on where you live.

Here's the flyer for this years show. 
If you didn't make it out, here's what you missed last year:

Shows were performed. 

People fell. 

Local culture was taken in. 

Bike paths were ridden. 

Bikes got filthy. 

But most importantly laughs were had and gams were strengthened. If you live in Ohio or Michigan, I'd really appreciate if you came out to some of these shows. Here they are:

September 16th Toledo Funnybone 8:00

September 17th Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase 8:00

September 19th Columbus, OH TBA

September 20th Yellow Springs Brewery - Yellow Springs, OH 8:00

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Resposts From They Benefits

Will update this more regularly with normal posts soon, but have been doing some writing over at They Benefits. Doing some good work there. Here's what you've been missing:

#6: Sex in Disney Movies

Turns out Disney is making you think about sex by using subliminal messages. Find out why.

#7: Global Climate Change

Who's behind the global climate change campaign? You might be surprised.

#8: Jim Morrison Never Died

Wherein I find out who benefited from Jim Morrison not being dead, but pretending to be. Aside from Morrison. Who gets to not be dead this way.

So that's that. Give them a read if you want. Also please follow They Benefits on Twitter and Tumblr. I'd appreciate it.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #5 Jade Helm 15

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. This week I got to the bottom of the Jade Helm 15 "training exercises." You're welcome.

They Benefits #5 Jade Helm 15

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter and Tumblr, please do so.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #4 Obama's Commie Connection

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. This week we're asking whether Obama has any communist connections. Yes he does.

They Benefits #4 Obama's Commie Connection

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #3 Sandy Hook part 2

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the third one. The long awaited part two of the Sandy Hook two parter.

They Benefits #3 Sandy Hook: The Truth part 2

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #2 Sandy Hook part 1

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the second one. It's the first part of a two parter about the Sandy Hook shooting.

They Benefits

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #1 JFK

Hello, due to the wild popularity of this blog I decided to start a second one. It's called They Benefits. It's devoted to getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the first one. It's about JFK.

They Benefits

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Thursday, May 7, 2015


I got a Facebook message from a lady whose dad runs a car repair shop outside of Detroit. There was a yearbook from Anchor Bay Schools circa a long ass time ago. She was curious who it belonged to.

Luckily the previous owner left some clues. He wrote “Adam” on every single page.

A Clue

So the lady deduced it either belonged to an Adam, or maybe someone who was just a huge fan of Adams.

There were multiple Adams who attended at that time so more evidence was needed.

Then another clue. The person who originally had it was probably in first grade because the majority of the writing was focused in that area. And it probably wasn’t this unfortunate looking kid because his dumb face was crossed out.

Gross. Still gross.

Then the final one led her to conclude that the original owner was a member of Mrs. Gilbertson’s first grade class. Because it looked like someone had singled out everyone in first grade who wasn’t a member of Mrs. Gilbertson’s class as fuckers.

Fuckers. Everyone. 

The only remaining culprit. This handsome foulmouthed devil right here.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

My Left Foot: Bad Medicine

I busted my ankle a while back. I wrote about that a few weeks ago, and in case you’re curious it’s still broken. I don’t know for how much longer. I’m beginning to think forever. Who the hell knows.

Because I have a broken ankle I’ve been going to the doctor’s a lot. That’s what you’re supposed to to do. Unless you’re some kind of wild animal that just goes limping off into the woods and waiting for death to take you.

It sucks. There’s no two ways about it. When I was a kid I kinda wanted to break a bone. Those kids got all the attention and whatnot. I remember I got hit in the face with a hockey stick. Everyone thought my stitches were so badass. Then one day my stupid friend walked in with a broken leg and nobody gave a shit about my stupid chin stitches.
It's important to maintain a positive attitude while recovering.
That was when I was a kid though. If you get to high school without breaking a bone you should probably just not do that until you’re old and ready to do it on the way out. When you’re a kid you just want the attention. You don’t care why you’re getting the attention you just want people to pay attention to you. When you’re an adult the last thing you want is to be treated with pity, and when you're struggling with your dumb crutches that's all the attention you get. One nice thing about having walking trouble is you get to hangout with and learn just how angry the little old ladies are on the bus. If you’re ever sitting towards the back of the bus and curious what the old ladies with canes are saying in the front, they’re angry. And they’re talking about what a piece of shit you are for walking in front of them or not offering to help them.

Walking boot: Expensive and fucking worthless.
After about a billion weeks of using crutches my doctor prescribed a walking boot for me to use. I’m unable to walk in this thing, but what really gets me about the boot is the price. It was $75 for one. Shoe for shoe this is the most expensive shoe I’ve ever owned.  I know there are shoes that are expensive out there. But usually there are a lot of people that want to buy them and that shoots the price up. These are expensive because my doctor told me I had to buy it. They’re not cool like those shoes that cost a lot of money. They’re just plastic and velcro. There’s kind of a rounded bottom to make sure I don't stomp around and shatter my stupid ankle more, but that’s about it. I’m not paying top dollar because I needed the 2015s with a slightly different FDR silhouette on the side, and I had to wait in line all night in front of medical supply store to get the goods. It’s the most expensive shoe I’ve ever owned because it’s technically medicine. And calling something medicine gives you carte blanche to fuck the consumer to you heart’s content.

The only thing we have to fear is everything. Shit is fucked right now.

I have insurance. The boot isn’t covered by insurance, but I do have insurance which makes me lucky. I am glad I have insurance, and appreciate it for what it’s done. My doctor prescribed an MRI I don’t know what it did or why, but it’s crazy expensive and I didn’t have to pay for it.

Broken brittle bones? Come on down these shitty poorly lit stairs!

That being said, I don’t get some of it. Whether or not people have insurance I think clouds the debate over why we’re paying for what. I’ve been to the doctor five times. Insurance has covered all those. All I have to pay is my copay which is $20. I don’t know what my insurance is shelling out each time, but I can tell you they’re overpaying. They’re not getting their money’s worth because I can tell you that each of these visits aren’t worth the $20 I’m putting out there.

The whirring you hear from the MRI is it just grinding money into a pulp.

Yes, becoming a doctor is important and really tough. I wholly think they should be rewarded very well for what they do. I’m not entirely sure I know what’s been done so far. Every trip to the doctor’s has lasted about 6 minutes. I can’t point to anything my doctor has done that has necessitated more than a thank you and a five spot. The most he’s done is poked my ankle and asked me if it hurt. No offense doc, but I’m fully capable of hurting my ankle all on my own.

Worst part. The very worst. Not only are me and my faithful insurance company not getting our money’s worth. I think we might be getting screwed. Since I’ve been using crutches for the past forever both my shoulders are pretty worthless. By the time I’m walking normally I bet I’ll need to see some kind of arm specialist. And I bet he’ll be just as willing and deserving of my twenty.