I was in my ancestral home of Michigan last week for a little r&Ur. It was nice. Got to do some nice stuff. See some stars for instance. Got to see a couple of those. They’re pretty neat. I recommend checking some out if you ever find yourself where you’re not being constantly assaulting your senses. I also went to church. It was the first time in a long time, and I have to say still not a fan.
1: Know what religion you are!!!
The church we were at was a Lutheran one. Fine. But halfway thorough the church service they had a thing where they did first communion. I know what you’re thinking. That’s a catholic thing. But for some reason they did it in the wrong church, and I have no idea why. I wanted to stand up and yell, "wrong church idiots", but since I was the guest I decided not to embarrass the church man.
2: Let’s fucking cool it with the songs
We sang a bunch of songs. I don’t blame the pastor. I can see why you’d want to kill some time, but it's not like these folks were having fun with it. Part of the problem is song selection. There’s way too many. The song book we were working with had 720 different songs. That’s too high. On some level I guess variety might be a good thing, but most of these songs are garbage. The Beatles only have 275 songs. There is absolutely no reason for there to be more church songs than Beatles songs. Pair that down to the best of the best, a Blue and Red album of church songs. Let’s say you sing three different songs a week. 52 weeks a year. I’ll even add two. One service for Christmas and another for Christmas eve. That’s 54 services. Threes songs a session. So all you need is the best 162 songs. I don’t care how you do it, but take the rest of these horse shit songs and throw them the fuck away. Put them in a separate book and burn it. For old times sake.
3: Don’t be so scary please.
At one point the pastor took all the children aside in front and talked to them in front of everyone. He asked them what the point of a drivers license was. He let the kids guess for a minute then told them the answer he was looking for. He said it was for identification. He then made a little joke about how he used his to “do adult things.” Okay. Little inappropriate for the kiddies, but I appreciate the joke for the back of the room. I was wondering what this had to do with Jesus until he brought it together in the most horrific way imaginable. He said that Jesus needed identification too, but his wasn’t a drivers license it was his “gaping spear wounds in his side.” Yikes. He then ushered the kids out of there for a Sunday school class that was probably a lot of crying.
4: Cupholders in the pews
This should be an obvious one. Why has this not happened yet? As a mug I had once said "you don't want to see me before I've had my coffee." That goes for you too G*d! Come on church, let's get on this.
I don't know if church will take any of my ideas. I certainly don't plan on listening to them in being a globetrotting comedian. But here's hoping, for their own sake, that they take a serious look at a few of these.
All in all, I give church a D+