Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Henry Ford: One Salty-a-Meatball

If you grew up in Michigan like I did then chances are you know a thing or two about Henry Ford. No area is more associated with the car industry than Detroit, and if you're going to give a face to the car industry it'd be none other than Henry Ford.

And for good reason: he was the one who brought two revolutionary ideas to the car industry. First, Ford was famous for applying the assembly line model that had never been used before (aside from the businesses that had already adopted it). Also, Ford was the first in the auto industry to try beating the shit out of workers for trying to form a union when his remarkable $5 a day without a pension or hope of a safe work environment wasn't enough.

Ford passed union leaders from thug to thug, each one specializing in hurting a specific part of the body. Revolutionary!

So you can see why he'd be such a big deal here. There are a number of museums about Ford and his company. Some of them are even pretty neat. In these museums there are a bunch of gift shops, and in these gift shops there are any number of books about Henry Ford. Very few of these books cover the part of Ford's life that involved hating Jews, but I guess that'd look weird in a gift shop next to a block of Michigan fudge. One of my favorite kind of Ford books are the book of quotes. These are fun because he was a highly quotable man.
Ford seen here thinking up some sick fucking quotes.
A lot of great quotes. Though some take on a very different meaning when you take into account Ford's rabid antisemitism. Such as "vision without execution is just hallucination." A little too on the nose if you ask me.

My favorite little fact about Ford is the rumor that he would never hire someone who put salt on their food before they ate it. Because I guess he thought anyone who salted something before they tried it was silly on account of not knowing something needed salt before you tried it right? I think that says the opposite of what Henry Ford thought. Hey Hank, just because I haven't tried THIS baked potato yet, doesn't mean I've never tried a baked potato yet in my entire life. I'm familiar with the concept of baked potatoes.

How is the person who salts a potato considered an idiot in this scenario and not the weirdo who thinks that every baked potato is so radically different that you're a fool if you put a dash of salt on it?
The more ambitious the Ford quote, the more uneasy minorities got. 

Also the guy hated Jews. A whole heck of a lot. In Henry Ford's world every potato on Earth is as unique as a snowflake and deserves to be tasted before you salt it, but at the same time saw fit to give Adolf Hitler lavish presents. Hating whole groups of people is the exact same as salting a whole punch bunch of potatoes. Only in this case he's not putting salt on potatoes without trying them, he's putting salt on Jews without trying them. So, I guess you can have any opinion of Henry Ford you want, so long as you think he's wrong.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Giving The Dissaffected Another Option

Even for America there have been a whole bunch of mass shootings recently. I will go on record as saying that I am definitely opposed to mass shootings, but this isn't going to be a piece that tells you what to think about guns. Chances are you already have an opinion on them that you're happy with. If you do need a new opinion on guns then read a goddamn paper or watch some news. They should be able to walk you through your new thoughts on the matter. Nothing I can say on a stupid blog is going to add to the conversation so who gives a shit.

What struck me about this past one the one in Oregon is that it's like the third shooting where the perpetrator made a point of saying he did it because he was sexually frustrated and angry at women.

Can't see why there was a problem.

I don't know how this became a thing, but I guess a guy was pretty angry at ladies. Shot a bunch of people. Now people who are angry at ladies just think that that's the thing to do at a certain point. Not sure why they think this is going to endear them to the fairer sex. You catch more flies with honey. I don't know the first thing about shooting a bunch of people, but I do know a whole hell of a lot about being a frustrated 20 something virgin. They think that this is the way out when they're at wits end so maybe all these guys need is another option. So guys who want to shoot up places maybe you should do what I did when I was at the end of my rope... take up bowling!

Now you shouldn't take up bowling as a means of meeting women, because that probably won't work for you. From what I recall it wasn't very popular with the ladies. More popular than shooting people, but still not very popular. You don't bowl because it's better than sex or a replacement for sex. It is not. You start bowling because bowling is it's own reward. I was never a very good bowler. When I started bowling i carried about a 120 average or so. After a whole lot of years I ended up carrying an average in the 160s (no big deal). One thing I still had trouble with was getting in the 200s. I dated ladies and I kept on bowling, but my high game stayed below 200 and my number of ladies slept with stayed below 1.

My dojo.

Until one day I was out bowling with my girlfriend and some other friends. It was a good night. Both my games were on point. That night i bowled above 200 for the first time. Then later that night I went back to my girlfriend's house and, as we in Michigan say, picked up the spare. I started that year as a sexually frustrated 20 something who'd never even dreamed about getting above the two hundred mark and ended it a man. Kind of.

You see what I'm trying to say disgruntled young men? I'm no outlier, g*d didn't grant me any special lady or bowling skills. What I'm trying to say is that women are like bowling a 200 plus game. Nobody owes you a five-bagger (five strikes in a row). You have to work for those. Yeah, there's some luck in there and the whole process can get frustrating, but you have to focus on the lanes you have. So if you're one of those crazy young men who plans on shooting someplace up because you're frustrated. Please try taking up bowling. I'm not saying that you're guaranteed to meet women doing it. I'm not even saying that women are at all impressed if you're good at it, but at least you get to go bowling.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Comedy by Bike Part 3: Toledo Drift

Really excited for this week. This will mark my third time doing a comedy by bike tour. This has been a shit load of fun both other times, so hopefully this won't be any different. I'd really like if you came to some of the shows depending on where you live.

Here's the flyer for this years show. 
If you didn't make it out, here's what you missed last year:

Shows were performed. 

People fell. 

Local culture was taken in. 

Bike paths were ridden. 

Bikes got filthy. 

But most importantly laughs were had and gams were strengthened. If you live in Ohio or Michigan, I'd really appreciate if you came out to some of these shows. Here they are:

September 16th Toledo Funnybone 8:00

September 17th Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase 8:00

September 19th Columbus, OH TBA

September 20th Yellow Springs Brewery - Yellow Springs, OH 8:00

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Resposts From They Benefits

Will update this more regularly with normal posts soon, but have been doing some writing over at They Benefits. Doing some good work there. Here's what you've been missing:

#6: Sex in Disney Movies

Turns out Disney is making you think about sex by using subliminal messages. Find out why.

#7: Global Climate Change

Who's behind the global climate change campaign? You might be surprised.

#8: Jim Morrison Never Died

Wherein I find out who benefited from Jim Morrison not being dead, but pretending to be. Aside from Morrison. Who gets to not be dead this way.

So that's that. Give them a read if you want. Also please follow They Benefits on Twitter and Tumblr. I'd appreciate it.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #5 Jade Helm 15

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. This week I got to the bottom of the Jade Helm 15 "training exercises." You're welcome.

They Benefits #5 Jade Helm 15

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter and Tumblr, please do so.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #4 Obama's Commie Connection

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. This week we're asking whether Obama has any communist connections. Yes he does.

They Benefits #4 Obama's Commie Connection

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #3 Sandy Hook part 2

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the third one. The long awaited part two of the Sandy Hook two parter.

They Benefits #3 Sandy Hook: The Truth part 2

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #2 Sandy Hook part 1

Continuing the good work over at They Benefits. We're getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the second one. It's the first part of a two parter about the Sandy Hook shooting.

They Benefits

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Repost: They Benefits #1 JFK

Hello, due to the wild popularity of this blog I decided to start a second one. It's called They Benefits. It's devoted to getting to the bottom of some of the farthest reaching conspiracies that have ever been. I'm really putting myself at risk by uncovering some of this, so I hope it's worth it. Here's the first one. It's about JFK.

They Benefits

If you want to follow They Benefits on Twitter, please do so.

Thursday, May 7, 2015


I got a Facebook message from a lady whose dad runs a car repair shop outside of Detroit. There was a yearbook from Anchor Bay Schools circa a long ass time ago. She was curious who it belonged to.

Luckily the previous owner left some clues. He wrote “Adam” on every single page.

A Clue

So the lady deduced it either belonged to an Adam, or maybe someone who was just a huge fan of Adams.

There were multiple Adams who attended at that time so more evidence was needed.

Then another clue. The person who originally had it was probably in first grade because the majority of the writing was focused in that area. And it probably wasn’t this unfortunate looking kid because his dumb face was crossed out.

Gross. Still gross.

Then the final one led her to conclude that the original owner was a member of Mrs. Gilbertson’s first grade class. Because it looked like someone had singled out everyone in first grade who wasn’t a member of Mrs. Gilbertson’s class as fuckers.

Fuckers. Everyone. 

The only remaining culprit. This handsome foulmouthed devil right here.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

My Left Foot: Bad Medicine

I busted my ankle a while back. I wrote about that a few weeks ago, and in case you’re curious it’s still broken. I don’t know for how much longer. I’m beginning to think forever. Who the hell knows.

Because I have a broken ankle I’ve been going to the doctor’s a lot. That’s what you’re supposed to to do. Unless you’re some kind of wild animal that just goes limping off into the woods and waiting for death to take you.

It sucks. There’s no two ways about it. When I was a kid I kinda wanted to break a bone. Those kids got all the attention and whatnot. I remember I got hit in the face with a hockey stick. Everyone thought my stitches were so badass. Then one day my stupid friend walked in with a broken leg and nobody gave a shit about my stupid chin stitches.
It's important to maintain a positive attitude while recovering.
That was when I was a kid though. If you get to high school without breaking a bone you should probably just not do that until you’re old and ready to do it on the way out. When you’re a kid you just want the attention. You don’t care why you’re getting the attention you just want people to pay attention to you. When you’re an adult the last thing you want is to be treated with pity, and when you're struggling with your dumb crutches that's all the attention you get. One nice thing about having walking trouble is you get to hangout with and learn just how angry the little old ladies are on the bus. If you’re ever sitting towards the back of the bus and curious what the old ladies with canes are saying in the front, they’re angry. And they’re talking about what a piece of shit you are for walking in front of them or not offering to help them.

Walking boot: Expensive and fucking worthless.
After about a billion weeks of using crutches my doctor prescribed a walking boot for me to use. I’m unable to walk in this thing, but what really gets me about the boot is the price. It was $75 for one. Shoe for shoe this is the most expensive shoe I’ve ever owned.  I know there are shoes that are expensive out there. But usually there are a lot of people that want to buy them and that shoots the price up. These are expensive because my doctor told me I had to buy it. They’re not cool like those shoes that cost a lot of money. They’re just plastic and velcro. There’s kind of a rounded bottom to make sure I don't stomp around and shatter my stupid ankle more, but that’s about it. I’m not paying top dollar because I needed the 2015s with a slightly different FDR silhouette on the side, and I had to wait in line all night in front of medical supply store to get the goods. It’s the most expensive shoe I’ve ever owned because it’s technically medicine. And calling something medicine gives you carte blanche to fuck the consumer to you heart’s content.

The only thing we have to fear is everything. Shit is fucked right now.

I have insurance. The boot isn’t covered by insurance, but I do have insurance which makes me lucky. I am glad I have insurance, and appreciate it for what it’s done. My doctor prescribed an MRI I don’t know what it did or why, but it’s crazy expensive and I didn’t have to pay for it.

Broken brittle bones? Come on down these shitty poorly lit stairs!

That being said, I don’t get some of it. Whether or not people have insurance I think clouds the debate over why we’re paying for what. I’ve been to the doctor five times. Insurance has covered all those. All I have to pay is my copay which is $20. I don’t know what my insurance is shelling out each time, but I can tell you they’re overpaying. They’re not getting their money’s worth because I can tell you that each of these visits aren’t worth the $20 I’m putting out there.

The whirring you hear from the MRI is it just grinding money into a pulp.

Yes, becoming a doctor is important and really tough. I wholly think they should be rewarded very well for what they do. I’m not entirely sure I know what’s been done so far. Every trip to the doctor’s has lasted about 6 minutes. I can’t point to anything my doctor has done that has necessitated more than a thank you and a five spot. The most he’s done is poked my ankle and asked me if it hurt. No offense doc, but I’m fully capable of hurting my ankle all on my own.

Worst part. The very worst. Not only are me and my faithful insurance company not getting our money’s worth. I think we might be getting screwed. Since I’ve been using crutches for the past forever both my shoulders are pretty worthless. By the time I’m walking normally I bet I’ll need to see some kind of arm specialist. And I bet he’ll be just as willing and deserving of my twenty.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

At Least He's Not Asian

There’s been a lot of talk about the whole Daily Show / Trevor Noah thing. My opinion doesn’t really need to be added to it, but who gives a fuck. Might as well add my grain of sand to the beach.

People were happy at first. Because the new guy isn’t white. That’s enough for a good number of people. I wasn’t in the running so I’m not about to cry foul. In those people’s defense us white folk have had a lot of success in the late night talk show department. We were damn near perfect. Joan Rivers blooped a single in there a while back, but promptly got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double. Perhaps it's time we give up the ball for an inning or two. 

I’ve read a few articles by people who are pissed off by the Noah’s “offensive” jokes. They’ve all kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but I wasn’t really able to put my finger on it as to why.

Then I read this:

“But during Stewart’s 16 years at the helm, The Daily Show has taken on a moral authority and responsibility that simply cannot condone this kind of bigoted and misogynist ... no, who am I kidding. The problem is not that Trevor Noah tells offensive jokes. It’s not even that he routinely breaks The Daily Show's covenant of speaking truth to power in favor of speaking truth to fat chicks or Thai hookers or, as the Washington Post’s Wendy Todd points out, black Americans who give their kids names that Noah disapproves of. The problem is that Noah’s jokes are so annihilatingly stupid.”

That was in either Salon or Slate or another one of those majority white publications that would wag their fingers at other places for having an editorial board as white as theirs.

Diversity is great just so long as opinions remain monolithic. 

Jon Stewart had a show. You’ve grown to like that show. Pretty soon a new guy is going to have a show. You’ll either like it or you won’t. If you don’t like it you can either stop watching it or you can watch it and hate it.

I don’t like how not liking guy who’s on a show makes you feel anything other than ambivalence. There are a lot of shows. You don’t have to watch any of them. What makes you think that just because you liked Jon Stewart that you’re now entitled to love the Daily Show forever? You don’t have a right to be entertained.

I hate it when people take one small statement out of context and condemn whole groups, but I’m going to do that anyhow. What is dumber is than the folks who have painted Noah as some sort of hate-filled monster based on a few dumb tweets are the jackasses who seems to view The Daily Show as some sort of god-given right. We’ve somehow grown to expect that all shows are some form of community property. They’re not. Never has there been a time where you could spend as much time taking in exactly what you want, and it seems that I’m inundated with opinion pieces about how pissed people are because the remaining media looks like it wasn’t made with them in mind.

Granted, I’m the one spending time reading these stupid opinion pieces. So I guess I’m as big a piece of shit as the rest of them.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Two Ankles: A Love Story

I don't really know how, but I done busted my ankle a couple months back. It would problaby be healed by now, but it took me the better part of a month to realize that I'd done busted it. So now I’ve got a big dumb cast I've got to wear, seemingly until the end of time. You start wearing a cast and you almost forget what it’s like to have a normal functioning ankle. I don’t remember what it was like to just walk.

My dumb stupid broken ankle 

I don't want to be a complete sourpuss about it. There are some good things about wearing a cast and walking on crutches. People on public transportation usually will give you a seat. I mean it is a law so I don’t know how much credit they deserve for this, but who gives a fuck. Legally obligated or not,  people being nice to you still feels good. Also I've had an excuse to sit on my stupid ass and watch a lot of Voyager. Mostly though, it sucks. Worst things about not having two functioning ankles at my disposal that I've noticed so far are these.

Standing. Oh how I took just standing still for granted. I didn’t realize just how tough it’d be with only one functioning leg. I could just stand for hours at a time with not a care in the world. Only have one leg and you’re not just standing, you're balancing on one stupid leg. And it’s giving out on you.

The train. Yeah, it’s great once you get on there and everyone gets up to give you their seat, but getting there is going to be the biggest pain in the ass in the whole fucking world. “Sub” is right in the word subway, so you know right there that chances are it’s going to be below something. And what it’s below is you. It’s probably going to be downstairs. If it’s not downstairs then it’s upstairs. And the thing that both upstairs and downstairs locations have in common is stairs. Usually a fair amount of stairs. Handicaped stations ones aren’t much of a help. They usually just eliminate one set and then leave you to crutch up and down the next.

Drinking responsibly. I have to do this now. There’s no having one too many and just stumbling a little bit. Or waking up with a headache. If I end up having too much booze I just have to lay wherever I am until the morning rolls around and I have my balance back.

Biking. All of this stupid winter I’ve been waiting for some nice weather to get out there and ride my bike. Right before that time came I’ve got a stupid non bike riding cast that needs to go along with me everywhere I go. Fuck you cast. 

Running: I’ve never gone running a once in my stupid life, but I was really thinking about starting when I hurt it. Now I’m just looking out the window at the nice weather knowing how kick ass a runner I'd be by now. Thanks a lot stupid ankle.

Kicking things. You’d think that among the things that are just as easy to do with one ankle as it is to do with two would be kicking things. Not the case. While it’s true that you’re really only doing the kicking with the one leg you very much need the other one to help you not fall on your stupid back and break your stupid brain. And if you think doing shit with one less leg is tough just try that shit with one less skull. Now every time I see a pigeon down on the ground staring up at me I have to excersise some self control and not square up and teach that piece of shit a lesson.

This all sucks. It's only been sucking for two weeks. It will probably end up sucking for another month. So pigeons enjoy the next few weeks, because after that, all bets are off.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Nothing You Valued Is Valuable

I'm currently in Michigan for a couple reasons. In addition to doing some shows I figured I'd also secure my financial future and become wealthy. I planned on going through some old Magic: The Gathering cards and strike it rich. I saw a YouTube video where some guy finds a twenty thousand dollar card going through an old pack and rightly loses his shit. So I figured I'd go through some old cards, find a rare card, lose my shit, and then buy a bunch of stuff.
The more Plague Rats that are in play the more valuable they are. The opposite is true when collecting them.

It didn't work out like that because why the fuck would it. So I took the Magic cards and just put them in their place next to my Marvel trading cards, comics, baseball cards, and football cards--all things my friends and I believed were gonna make us rich. None of these things will actually make any of us rich. The very fact that everyone was told how collectable these things were almost automatically negates their value in the long run.

As a guy who took two econ classes at Oakland Community College, I think I'm qualified to speak to this. Everything we were told was going to have value won't because we were told it was going to have value and acted accordingly. Also we assigned too much value to them to begin with. The value will never be higher than I thought the potential value was going to be. You got little plastic cases to make sure your cards didn't lose value. The fact that all your friends got little plastic cases ensures that there never will be any value. The reason that Honus Wagner's rookie card is worth a couple million bucks has less to do with Wagner and more to do with the fact that it's the only one of about five in existence. It's not because he was the greatest player. It's a valued collectable because at the time it had no value and wasn't collected.

As soon as the interest for baseball cards became apparent, multiple companies filled that void and started making a shit load of them. Part of the reason these cards will never be worth anything is the market flooding these companies did when interest peaked, but it's also that we went from putting baseball cards in our spokes to putting them in non acidic plastic casing. Who's going to pay top dollar for a specific baseball card when everyone who could want one already has it in pristine condition? When the X-Men debuted a second series with five different covers of the number 1, I bought or traded for them all. So did millions of other kids my age. As soon as we got them we put them in polyurethane bags with cardboard backers so they wouldn't get bent. Then thought nothing of tearing open all my ninja turtle toys because what kind of monster keeps all his toys in the original packaging? A rich one. A rich one who has amazing self control, but has never enjoys a goddamn thing.
All five X-Men #1s. Nothing that claims to be a "limited edition" actually is one.
That's another reason as to why everything you spent collecting won't be worth what you think it should be. You spent time collecting it. You'll always inflate the value of what you've collected because you spent the time collecting it. You remember being swindled and swindling and scheming so you could collect as many Lou Whitaker cards as humanly possible. When it's time to sell, you're not just parting with all your Sweet Lous, you're also selling part of your childhood. Selling your childhood to some asshole who wants yours. And he's gonna lowball you, because there's no way he'll put the same value on the time you spent collecting as a kid as you will.
Sweet Lou's Value Over Replacement IRA is pretty anemic. 
That's it really. Just something I was thinking about. I'm pretty sure it wasn't funny, but hopefully it made sense. I'm just trying to say that whatever you collected, whatever you valued, won't have value. Unless you and everyone you know throws them away. Unless of course we're talking about my pogs.

Friday, February 13, 2015

GEICO: Proudly Doing Nothing For A While Now

I've always thought that I'd be good at advertising. For starters I don't have much in the way of a soul. Also I'm good at making vacuous statements that sound like they mean something but really don't. I wasn't sure where to take my talents, but I'm thinking whatever ad company GEICO uses will be the place for me. Of all the shitty noncommittal statements used by companies to get you to buy their stuff, you'd be hard pressed to top GEICO's "proudly serving the military for over 75 years."

That might be the emptiest statement that's ever been uttered in all of advertising. When they say they've been serving the military for 75 years, one can only assume that the company has been around a lot longer than 1940 and that they treated the military with general disdain before then, otherwise they would say it. So WW1 on back, GEICO was (probably, given how they worded their commercial) unsupportive of our nation's military. It could also mean that the company came into being around 1940 so wouldn't have been around to be either pro or con the troops, but who has the time to look a fact like that up?
From what I can tell in the ad, all they're bragging about is not turning away soldiers as potential customers. They've also been serving Nazis, communists, board game cheaters, people who take a penny when not in need of a penny, thieves, and pedophiles for the same 75 years. I'm not saying that GEICO can't be happy about doing special shit for the military, but they give no indication of what they do aside from getting their insurance needs filled. I guess that's something. But they don't say that they do anything aside from taking their money. If they did go above and beyond you can bet your ass that the stupid gecko would be shouting it from the rooftops. Most companies will spend ten dollars to let you know they did something worthwhile with a dime.
So when they're bragging about how they've been serving the military since whenever they fuck they came around, all that's saying is: "you know the military? You like the military? Well guess what, we're not opposed to taking money from them!" It's not like they're bragging about insuring the actual military. It would be one thing if Iraq and Afghanistan were no-fault insurance states and GEICO was just losing their shirt on blown up Humvees and whatnot, but from what I can tell that's not the case.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the military that GEICO doesn't make a habit of spitting in their face and turning them away. It's also good news for the fine folks who work at GEICO, because not serving military personal would make their job harder. Every time they gave a quote they'd have to ask at one point "hey, we'd love to provide you a service in exchange for money, but you're not a military person are you? Because if so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell you to go pound sand." What they seem to be saying is that they're proud to do absolutely nothing since 1940. I just don't think not turning someone away based on their profession necessitates a multimillion dollar ad campaign. So to help them out for the next campaign I've provided my portfolio which includes more statements that don't mean a goddamn thing. I await your call.