Saturday, February 9, 2013

Resolve of Steel, Gym of Iron

I got robbed. While my wife and I were gone people took a lot of things from our apartment. Among the things that were taken from me was my sense of security, my feeling of worth as a man, and my Iron Gym. For those of you not in the know Iron Gym is not just a door frame mounted pull up bar, but a total body solution that mounts onto any door frame. I don’t know why, but I’m pretty angry about the Iron Gym, and it’s not because it was my favorite thing by a long shot. Anyone who has seen me in short sleeves would know I’m not addicted to working out. Actually you’d probably be pretty surprised that I, not only own an Iron Gym, but have moved that thing to two different apartments. The amount of shit I've thrown away before each move is a lot, but every time Iron Gym has made the cut only to be (easily) mounted to a new door frame and then promptly neglected.

Have you seen me?

For some reason the fact that the Iron Gym is now gone has caused me to go through some reflection about the time we did, and all the time we didn’t spend together. Among the first things I thought when I realized it was gone was “if only.” If only I’d spent more time sculpting myself with Iron Gym then I wouldn’t be the kind of person who gets robbed. I’ve seen the guy from the commercial he doesn't look like a dude who fucks around. He would never get his Iron Gym stolen, he’s the kind of guy who can steal an Iron Gym or two, but he wouldn’t because Iron Gym practitioners are a noble people.

With bitchin' lats comes great responsibility

When someone come into your home it makes you feel pretty weak. And I think that’s why I’ve focused so much on my Iron Gym. I imagine the jerk who came into my home setting up and using my Iron Gym. He’ll probably stick to the program that comes with it, because even though he’s a criminal he probably has a better work ethic than I do. And he’s getting stronger. And with each passing day becoming more like the kind of person who can wantonly take things from people like me. Until of course I get my hands on the new Iron Gym Xtreme that is.

Watch out mother fuckers!

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