Friday, April 26, 2013

VLOG! (not really it's just a video)

I’ve been trying to be good about updating this thing every week, and it’s going okay. I don’t really know why I think it matters all that much. Let’s be honest it’s just a Blogspot. It’s not even a Tumblr (people with a Tumblr please don't assume I'm saying yours matters). This is just for me, the other Blogspot holdouts, and my Google Plus fam (shout out to my circles). That being said I couldn’t think of shit to write this week so I’m putting up a video. 

I hate putting up videos of myself, because in order to put them up you have to record them. Once it’s recorded you have to watch them to see which one you want to put up. And while watching it I have to look at my stupid face. Turns out every video I’ve ever recorded of myself has my stupid face in it. I apologize for that. I don’t know too many comics who like watching themselves on tape. If there is one I’m betting dollars to donuts that they’re also kind of a sociopath. Just a hunch. But anyhow I hope you find my face more bearable than I do. As far as video itself goes, it’s not too bad. Granted the joke about my annoying neighbor doesn’t go all that well, but what are you going to do. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Lot of Adam Sokols All Hating One Thing

Saturday is my birthday, and I’ve been thinking a bit about who I am, and who I’ve been in the past. I’ve changed a lot over the years, and from what I can tell the only thing all the Adam Sokols I’ve been would have in common is the fact that they’d all hate the Adam I am. 

My five year old self would hate how I never made it to the bigs. He should have know that wasn’t in the cards after all the times I swung and missed in tee ball, but I’ll give the kid a pass. He was only five at the time.

Twelve year old Adam would be really disappointed to learn that my life wasn’t an elaborate holodeck based Star Fleet training mission. (He was a sad specimen).

Fifteen year old Adam Sokol would be pretty angry that I cut my hair. He thought we’d have nice shoulder length locks, and we’d still be rocking that jean jacket with the Grateful Dead patches. 

Seventeen year old Adam would probably be pissed that we didn’t turn into the old guy at the punk shows. He didn’t realize at the time that the old guy isn’t cool, he’s just creeping everyone out. He’d also be pretty angry that the ska band never worked out. Nor did ska for that matter. 

Eighteen year old Adam would be angry that I’m not a published author in the field of political science. In my defense though he didn’t give me a lot to go on. He didn’t have any unique ideas or anything. He just thought we should be published by thirty. We’re not.

Twenty year old Adam would be pissed that I’m not in the forefront of a major socialist upheaval. He would be more pissed to know that I’m okay with that.

Twenty one year old me would be pissed that we gave up that “wearing a suit everyday” thing. Everyone who had to be downwind of a guy wearing a three piece in August was pretty happy about it though. 

Twenty two year old Adam would be angry that I started drinking. He thought we were gonna see that policy through to the end.

Twenty three year old Adam would be a little pissed that we stayed working at that car dealership for as long as we did.

My twenty four year old self would be pretty pissed that when we took a break from college we never went back. Maybe he’d have a point on that one. 

One day I’m sure I’ll imagine just how angry this Adam Sokol would be at the person I’ll be in the future. Sometimes I’m a little angry at those people too. Had they drank more milk maybe I’d be taller. I wish a lot of them had tried to make this Adam Sokol a little less doughy. Maybe spent a little more time reading as opposed to watching TV. Who knows maybe one day I’ll live a life that will make all those little weirdos proud. But all in all I’m pretty goddamned happy with the one I am today. 

Thanks fellas. 

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Taxman Fucketh

As I hope most of you are aware, tax time is upon us. This year I’m in the unenviable bracket of “fucked.” I owe the government a lot of money. Turns out the government just kinda forgot that they were also gonna need an additional 4% of my income. Which is stupid. The extra money at the end of it all has got to be the worst part about the whole tax thing. I want to call up the government and ask them what the hell they did with all the other money they’ve been taking throughout the year. But if instead of my owed taxes I just send them a letter that says “you can have some more when you learn to live with what I already gave you” I would in all likelihood end up in jail. And jail is of course a tax funded institution, which they would need more money to fund. So someone else would just end up in the same situation I find myself in right now. Which doesn't seem fair.

My least favorite part of the tax process has got to be the deductions the government gives out. Mostly because I don’t get any of them. If I had a couple kids, bought a new energy efficient car, or bought a house I can’t afford I’d be sitting pretty come tax time. They never seem to be doing what they should be either. There’s a tax credit for buying an energy efficient car. But there is not a tax credit for not owning a car. If they’re trying to encourage environmentally friendly behavior then here’s a case where doing nothing is the best option. Hey government, why not a tax credit for only burning tires on even numbered days? Only pouring ethanol based fuel into local waterways perhaps? Hybrid drivers don’t need anything to make them feel better about themselves anyhow. Most days I ride my bike to work. I show up disgusting and sweaty, I should at least get reimbursed for my cologne and Goldbond medicated powder. While I’m on the subject of the environment. Know what else you get a tax credit for? Kids. Shitty CO2 spewing children gets you a tax credit. I don’t know if you get extra tax money if it’s a small underpowered one like with cars, but nonetheless.

Deductions rule everything around me
We live in a democracy so our taxes are supposed to go to what we want. But that’s not how it works at all. We live in a democracy in which a lot of people vote. So our wants are diluted by all the other assholes with the audacity to vote. You don’t get to vote to get what you want, you vote to get what you want in relation to every other voting idiot. You get to vote to get 0.000000763359% of what you want, and I don’t necessarily like those odds. It almost would be easier in a dictatorship. If you lived in communist Romania you were pretty well fucked, but at least Ceau┼čescu got 100% of what he wanted. And for the record you can buy a lot of nice shoes with a whole country’s worth of peasant blood. Plus as a bonus you get to kill that guy eventually. 
I get everything and you get nothing. What a wondrous arrangement!
Supreme court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. is famous for having said “Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.” Which is both horribly condescending and only half true. He was a supreme court justice. Of course he thought taxes were the best he had a cushy tax funded job. You better believe that I’d be singing a different tune if taxes were what was keeping me in bottles of brandy and fresh snuff. And to add insult to injury, the guy’s buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Which is a tax payer funded National Park. He’s been dead for almost eighty years and he’s still feeding at the public trough. What Justice Holmes doesn’t tell you is that everyone pays taxes, but not everyone gets to live in a civilized society. If he lived in current New York he would’ve said taxes plus a shitload of rent are the price you have to pay to live in a civilized society. I’ve got half that equation down right now. But unfortunately I can’t really afford the part where I have the rent money to live in a civilized society. I live in a shitty neighborhood that always seems about one day away from turning into The Purge. Yet I still have to fork over money so Justice Holmes can have a very civilized afterlife.

I'm on a stamp just like the communist. Coincidence?
Listen, I'm not saying there shouldn't be taxes. I know the myriad ways that taxes benefit me. I'm just saying I paid too much of them this year, and I don't like it. Which is probably the most American feeling there is. 

Friday, April 5, 2013

Fetish Counter Fetish

Denial Of Claim

Date 4/3/13
Dear Mr. Randall T. Carrington:

We have received your claim regarding your recent overnight stay at the Wikked Medical Center. We as the  insurance underwriters evaluate the facts and circumstances of your case and have to deny your claim.

For starters; as we have provided you with a list of supported doctors and approved medical institutions the fact that you chose to seek treatment from an unapproved medical facility is basis enough for us to deny your claim. More puzzling still is that you chose to seek treatment from an institution such as the Wikked Medical Center. A hospital that, from we can gather,  is nothing more than a cheap motel room with a skeleton hanging in the corner for affect. 

Though I’m sure the condition of "prolonged boner syndrome” sounds quite uncomfortable to have, it is not something we generally approve overnight stays for. In fact recent medical literature suggests that PBS is not even a real condition. It turns out you may have just had a run of the mill erection. Since no treatment would have been needed to alleviate such a condition, we also will have to reject any claim related to the treatment thereof. Even if a prolonged stay in the hospital was a necessary precaution the treatment used by your doctor were both highly unorthodox and extremely unsanitary to do in a medical setting. 

On the matter of your physician that night. We regret to inform you that from what we can tell Dr. Linda Suxxx is not even a certified physician. Let alone a specialist in the field of PBS. We are sorry to inform you that you were just sold snake oil (however the fact that she offered to “drain your snake of it’s oil” should have been an indicator as to seek treatment elsewhere). From what we have been able to ascertain she is not even old enough to have attended medical school and finished a residency as she appears to be barely eighteen. Furthermore this suspicion was confirmed when we were able to find out she is still enrolled in a local college. Her college, Wikked University (no affiliation to Wikked Medical Center) does not even have a medical program for her to be enrolled in. 

We do appreciate your continued patronage, and we look forward to serving you for years to come. I am terribly sorry to have to deny your claim, and hope this doesn’t cause you any undue stress or aggravate your condition. This is not something we as a company take lightly and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. And I mean anything.

Sincerely yours,
Nicky Raxxx
Naughty Insurance Providers