Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Get Hard on Weiner

Listen, I'm a liberal. If you don't believe me I can send you pictures of what the bumper of my car looked like when I was twenty. As a liberal I generally vote for whoever the Democrat is. I usually don't think they're great, but by and large I like them better. Unless Michael Bloomberg finds someway to get a sex change and pass a law saying you can serve three terms as each sex then there is going to be a new mayor pretty soon. I'd be lying if I said I was following this race closely at all, but it's hard to avoid the parts of the race involving Anthony Weiner. And I've decided that he's a guy I will not be voting for.

People seem to get weird about sex scandals. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people just refuse to admit that someone who's a member of their preferred party is a piece of shit. So I, a guy with roughly 65% of a political science degree, will weigh in on these arguments.

But Kennedy had affairs. Are you saying Kennedy was a bad guy?:

Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe. That's obviously a freebie. Who in their right mind wouldn't fuck Marilyn Monroe. I think that would make Michelle Bachman close her gay conversion camp if she heard that there might be a way to bring her back to life for one magical night.

Come on, Kennedy had sex with a bunch of ladies:

All the other ladies he had sex with were to practice just in case he got a chance to bed Marilyn Monroe. Pass granted!

So he screwed up, everyone deserves a second chance right?:

No, of course they don't. That's the silliest argument I've ever heard. Plus if you think this guy was an asshole just the one time well that's pretty goddamned naive.

But who are you to demand perfection?

Is this where we are? Are we at a place where we're either perfect or we're waving our dick at random girls? Is it too much to ask to be able to Google the mayor without double checking to make sure safe search is on? Listen, I'm no prude. I have friends who take all manner of dick pics and have felt it necessary to show them to me. I of course laugh every time. But there is no way in hell that I'll ever vote for any of those pieces of shit.

But it's just sex:

I don't think it is. It's not a matter of sex it's a matter of dicks. Most dicks look alike. There are size and color variances of course, but by and large a dick is a dick. If you’re the kind of person who thinks the world needs to see your dick then you probably are the kind of guy who thinks their dick don’t smell like dick.

Aren't you reading too much into this?:

Of course. I'm a voter who didn't finish college. We're as a rule a petty, uneducated, and irrational group. I read a poll that said 6% of people would refuse to vote for someone who's black. I'm just refusing to vote for the guy because I know what his dick looks like. Rational or not I've been nothing but consistent on this matter.

So what, he likes to show off his dick. Who cares?:


People who wave their dick around are generally bullies. I don’t like bullies. Bullies took my replica Star Trek comm badge from me when I was fourteen. Bullies stuffed me in my locker (as fat as I was I was surprised more than anything that I fit). Bullies kicked me in the back for having a “faggy” backpack. I generally don’t like them. And I don't like to vote for them. You hear that 80% of Clifford Smart Middle School years 1994-1996!

Plus he's anti bike lanes. So double fuck that guy.

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