Monday, September 23, 2013

It's Illegal To Yell "Sale" In A Crowded Fire

As I’ve mentioned repeatedly I work retail. Though often degrading and frustrating sometimes it’s really informative to watch how people behave while shopping. It can be really enlightening to watch just how dumb people are while they’re spending money. 

Yesterday someone accidentally walked through an emergency exit. I work at a place with two underground levels. I work in one of the basement levels. Presumably if there was in fact a fire you either hustle or you’re fucked. For folks in the subbasement, you either double hustle or you’re double fucked. When the fire alarm is tripped an awful loud alarm blares and small lights flash. What doesn’t happen is that people alter their shopping habits one iota. 

It is codified in supreme court law that you’re not supposed to falsely yell fire in a crowded theater. The implication being that if you do the pandemonium that will ensue will be so dangerous, so crazy, so inherently perilous that people will trample and claw each other to death to make sure that they escape the blaze. Turns out, it doesn’t matter. When that was coined I guess people cared more about not dying than they did about small appliances. It should be the other way around. It should be illegal to yell "sale" in a crowded fire. Everyone would immediately stop and wait to get immolated to appease the great finance offers. 
What I lost in a life I gained in finishing Scary Movie 9
This has happened a few times and every time the alarm starts going off I always make sure to watch the customers and see what happens. Never once has anyone even started for the exit. Maybe they’re all just following our cue. I guess I could give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they decide to watch the employees and if they don’t run then they shouldn’t either. I suppose the rationale is that hey if these guys are good at helping me pick out Blu-ray players then they’re probably also good at ensuring I don’t die a horrific and avoidable death. That’s a lot of faith they’re putting into us. To be honest, I’m amazed when anyone puts any faith into retail folks. Whenever a customer is waffling between things they turn to me for advice. I’ll tell them what to do then the weak piece of shit will just go ahead and do it. Just because I said so. Hardly ever do they decide to go home and do a bit of research at whatever is tripping them up. They turn to the sage wisdom of the guy who probably will never be able to afford whatever it is they’re buying. However flattering I should say if you’re goal is to live a long and fruitful life I would recommend not looking solely to entry-level retail employees. 
Got it all figured out.
Maybe the assumption is that as fire starts devastating everything about them, we’ll be a little more willing to wheel and deal. The term “fire sale” had to come from somewhere after all, why not wait just long enough to get a sweet deal on that iPad before dying. Everyone hates the idea of dying for nothing, but 15% off? Boy, that ain’t nothing. 
Siri, write me a will.

When an atomic bomb goes off I’ve heard that it happens so quick and it’s so hot that it can actually burn a shadow into the ground. How pathetic would it be to realize that after a horrible fire people died, not because it happened so quick, but because people were that reluctant to not buy an HDMI cable that they just stood there staring with their stupid faces as the fire consumed them. Next time it goes off, I’m running like hell. 

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