Wednesday, October 16, 2013

My Foolproof 5 Point Platform For Making The World A Better Place

I think we can all agree that their are a lot of problems in this world. I’ve been asked to weigh in and see if we can’t solve some of them. So here it is, my foolproof 5 point platform for making the world a better place.

5. Make sure everyone has enough food.

I don’t really know how this should be accomplished. I’m pretty sure though that a lot of people don’t have enough food. Also, I’m pretty sure that a lot of people have way too much food. That seems to be something we should be able to work out. I don’t know if we should just have those people just get together and share or what. Regardless, this seems doable.
For Christ's sake share!
4. Make sure everyone has enough medicine. 

Same thing with the food stuff. Some people don’t have nearly enough medicine. Some people are overdosing. On the same medicine that other people don’t have enough of. If they could all just get together and even out the medicine supply both groups would be better off. 
Thanks for dropping all the pills you didn't take on the floor. Now nobody gets to live to see tomorrow.
3. Make sure everyone has water.

Here we go again right? Some people don’t have clean water. Other people are literally drowning. Let’s do something about this. What, I don’t know. But something. 
Hey asshole, other people might be thirsty.

2. No more war. This one seems simple enough. Just knock it off folks.

Bold stance to take via hat. 
1. No more national broadcasters in playoff baseball. 

This one is the trickiest, but also really important. I can see why football puts everything they have into putting their best face forward during the Superbowl. It’s the most watched TV event of the year. Not to mention it’s tough to say who you would even get the nod. Each team only has sixteen games a season. Some of those are national broadcasts. Some of those are blackouts. It'd be hard to figure out who would be the person to be there. Plus The Superbowl very rarely is played in the stadium of a team playing in it.

There’s less emphasis on the personalities. Baseball is different. There’s 162 regular season games. Many at weird times. You get to know the broadcasters. More importantly the broadcasters get to know the players. If anyone watched Don Kelly have a stellar game in July, it’s the local broadcasters. Nobody can convey what’s great about watching a team like the guys whose job it is to watch that team day in and day out. 

When something goes well local announcers get just as excited as the fans. Because they’re fans themselves. They can’t help but be. Even if they’re just broadcasters when they start, after watching a team 162 times a year, you either get to be one or sit in front of the mechanical pitcher and end it all. That fourteen run blowout everyone stopped watching three innings in, the broadcasters weren’t able to turn it off. Every year fans bitch about media bias. Why not embrace it and give the job to folks who are unabashedly biased. Let everyone in the country see what weird personalities your hometown watches a hundred plus times a year. I would rather listen to a couple guys who can't pronounce an R talk about how great the Sox are destined (again) than have to listen to an overly polished broadcaster mention a couple hundred times that we're in the midst of a no hitter. Plus then the world would get to meet Rod Allen. 

Mario Impemba (right) and Rod Allen. I'd say ask Rod about his 27 at bats for the 84 Tigers, but no need. He'll bring it up.

Alright that's it. There's all the ways the world can be a better place. Let's get cracking on this. I sent a notarized copy to President Obama, Bill Gates, Bud Selig, and Hilary Clinton. I'm pretty sure that if I get arrested they'll refer to this as my manifesto.