If you work retail or plan on working retail in the future you the main thing you will be annoyed by is the people. They’re just terrible. There are a lot of different types of people, how are you supposed to know who are the ones you just avoid first? That’s why I want to give a list of the worst kinds of customers. These are the ones that should be avoided at all costs.
People eating candy
|Typical quote from candy people: MINE!|
A shop opened up just a couple doors down from the Best Buy I work at. The kind of place that only exists in New York and other places where there’s a lot of assholes. An upscale candy store. Not an artisanal chocolate shop or cupcake store, but a place to buy the same candy you’d get at the Duane Reade across the street except with a huge markup and shitty dance music plays while you shop. I’ve walked by and it seems pretty awful. Most of the candy they sell is of the cheap waxy variety you would’ve gotten pissed at if you got it as a kid on halloween, and you get a large pink bag whenever you get loose candy. These pink bags act as a warning flag. For some reason something changes in people while they’re eating candy. Partly it’s the weird necessity to just finish the giant bag of candy as quickly as possible. I don’t know if they’re worried I’m going to steal their candy if they don’t polish it off in record time. All questions are asked while shoving candy in their dumb faces. Plus I don’t know what it is about grown people eating candy, but as soon as you do you revert to a childlike state. All requests become less reasonable, patience is nonexistent, no candy is ever shared.
Typical quote from candy people: MINE!
People with bad nose jobs
I work in the middle level of three floors. I’m about fifty feet from the bottom of the escalator you come down on. I have a little rule where the further out I can notice you’ve had a nose job the worse a customer they’re going to be. If it’s all the way from the escalator then I run like hell. Nose jobs generally don't get too botched on the first try. If it does chances are you can have someone fix it so it becomes unnoticeable. In order for people to notice a nose job from tens of feet you have to have had a shit ton of nose jobs. If you’re the type of person who thinks a 20 year old nose is going to make you look 20 again then Chances are if you’ve had that many nose jobs you’re indecisive, wealthy, and very demanding. None of those are good attributes in a customer. Plus it’s just fucking creepy to look at.
Typical quote: I don't know what I want, but I'm pretty sure I want it now.
People who want to buy a house phone
|They all still look like this|
Listen I don’t have a landline phone. It’s the year 2013 and I’m not elderly. I don’t care if you do, but if you do go it knowing full well that all house phones are the exact same. Companies know that landlines are not a growth industry so they’ve pretty much said fuck you to everyone who’s interested in them. Some have answering machines, but that’s really about it. People who buy them can’t seem to decide between the two different kinds seem to think that even though they’re all identical one phone will change their life and I alone am the key to this life changing decision. These people are usually upwards of ninety and I want to tell them that chances are their current phone isn’t even broken, it’s just that all your friends are dead and nobody is calling anymore.
Typical quote from a landline phone buyer: Just in case someone calls. (so sad!)
|Congratulations, you just spend 40k to have someone buy you a couch|
Typical quote: I think I saw a floating TV in movie once. Where are they?
People Who Want Surveillance Cameras
|Nanny cam! This is either gonna be devastating or sexy, let's roll that tape!|
Listen, are you a meth cook? No, then what the fuck. You’re place might get robbed at some point, but chances are it won’t. And even if it does you’re pretty well fucked. Most cameras kits cost as much as several years worth of renters insurance. You’re not gonna be able to do anything about it. And the people who just want to watch their house are the least creepy people who want cameras. My favorite was they guy who took a look at our cameras, noticed that they weren’t hidden type cameras, and said “these won’t work, she’ll notice them right away.” Save that money just get a divorce.
Typical quote: I will ruin them all!
|You google image search "Jamaican nanny" the results seem a little racist|
Typical quote: When the sale be?
This is turning out to be too long, but you get the point. Really I think this whole post boils down to “people who make me do my job that I think I’m better than.” The fucking nerve.