Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Retail Life: The Worst Customers

For the next half a week I will be working retail. I’ve put my notice and the light is visible at the end of the tunnel. So me bitching about working retail will soon come to an end. I’m sure I’ll find a few more things relating to working retail that I’ll put up after the fact, because just because you stop working retail doesn’t mean you regain everything it’s taken from you. I’m sure I’ll also find other new things to bitch about that I look forward to sharing with you. Maybe even I’ll think of things I like that I want to share instead of just complaining all the time. We’re not quite there yet though. I’m still working this week and there’s plenty to be annoyed by.

If you work retail or plan on working retail in the future you the main thing you will be annoyed by is the people. They’re just terrible. There are a lot of different types of people, how are you supposed to know who are the ones you just avoid first? That’s why I want to give a list of the worst kinds of customers. These are the ones that should be avoided at all costs.

People eating candy
Typical quote from candy people: MINE!

A shop opened up just a couple doors down from the Best Buy I work at. The kind of place that only exists in New York and other places where there’s a lot of assholes. An upscale candy store. Not an artisanal chocolate shop or cupcake store, but a place to buy the same candy you’d get at the Duane Reade across the street except with a huge markup and shitty dance music plays while you shop. I’ve walked by and it seems pretty awful. Most of the candy they sell is of the cheap waxy variety you would’ve gotten pissed at if you got it as a kid on halloween, and you get a large pink bag whenever you get loose candy. These pink bags act as a warning flag. For some reason something changes in people while they’re eating candy. Partly it’s the weird necessity to just finish the giant bag of candy as quickly as possible. I don’t know if they’re worried I’m going to steal their candy if they don’t polish it off in record time. All questions are asked while shoving candy in their dumb faces. Plus I don’t know what it is about grown people eating candy, but as soon as you do you revert to a childlike state. All requests become less reasonable, patience is nonexistent, no candy is ever shared.

Typical quote from candy people: MINE!

People with bad nose jobs

I work in the middle level of three floors. I’m about fifty feet from the bottom of the escalator you come down on. I have a little rule where the further out I can notice you’ve had a nose job the worse a customer they’re going to be. If it’s all the way from the escalator then I run like hell. Nose jobs generally don't get too botched on the first try. If it does chances are you can have someone fix it so it becomes unnoticeable. In order for people to notice a nose job from tens of feet you have to have had a shit ton of nose jobs. If you’re the type of person who thinks a 20 year old nose is going to make you look 20 again then Chances are if you’ve had that many nose jobs you’re indecisive, wealthy, and very demanding. None of those are good attributes in a customer. Plus it’s just fucking creepy to look at.

Typical quote: I don't know what I want, but I'm pretty sure I want it now.

People who want to buy a house phone

They all still look like this

Listen I don’t have a landline phone. It’s the year 2013 and I’m not elderly. I don’t care if you do, but if you do go it knowing full well that all house phones are the exact same. Companies know that landlines are not a growth industry so they’ve pretty much said fuck you to everyone who’s interested in them. Some have answering machines, but that’s really about it. People who buy them can’t seem to decide between the two different kinds seem to think that even though they’re all identical one phone will change their life and I alone am the key to this life changing decision. These people are usually upwards of ninety and I want to tell them that chances are their current phone isn’t even broken, it’s just that all your friends are dead and nobody is calling anymore.

Typical quote from a landline phone buyer: Just in case someone calls. (so sad!)

Interior decorators

Congratulations, you just spend 40k to have someone buy you a couch
I don’t what it is about interior decorators, but the most ridiculous demands I’ve gotten have been from them. They seem to be put off that the person who's place their making over wants a TV at all. I guess their thought is that their clients should just sit around their place admiring how great it's been decorated forever. I’ve been asked to sell TVs of odd shapes. TVs are the shape they are because 16:9 is the aspect ratio most TV is filmed in. TVs are only one shape, because it’s cheaper to have them all just one way. That seems simple enough, but that’s not good enough for some people. I have been asked for TVs that are taller than they are wide. I have to explain that they’d either have watch everything rotated 90 degrees or 80% of the picture would be cut off. They look confused. Then they’ll ask if there was a way to have speakers that don’t require any kind of power source. I ask if they mean battery powered. No, they say. No batteries, no wires, no power. Just magic I guess.

Typical quote: I think I saw a floating TV in movie once. Where are they?

People Who Want Surveillance Cameras

Nanny cam! This is either gonna be devastating or sexy, let's roll that tape!

Listen, are you a meth cook? No, then what the fuck. You’re place might get robbed at some point, but chances are it won’t. And even if it does you’re pretty well fucked. Most cameras kits cost as much as several years worth of renters insurance. You’re not gonna be able to do anything about it. And the people who just want to watch their house are the least creepy people who want cameras. My favorite was they guy who took a look at our cameras, noticed that they weren’t hidden type cameras, and said “these won’t work, she’ll notice them right away.” Save that money just get a divorce.

Typical quote: I will ruin them all!

Jamaican Nannies

You google image search "Jamaican nanny" the results seem a little racist
If you’re a parent and you have a nanny you should know that the nanny doesn’t give a shit about your kid. You know that thing I’ve heard parents have where if their kid is in distress or pain the parents want to stop that? Nannies don’t have that in the slightest. Nannies have a superhuman ability to block out the fact that the child their tasked with caring for is screaming in pain in distress. They will carry on any number of conversations about Bluray players while the kid they’re caring for falls, cries, eats things from the floor, throws up the things just eaten off the floor, shits, or throws things at other babies. Now, I’m not judging the nannies. I also don’t give a shit about the kids they’re in charge of. But I’m not getting paid in money or citizenship to be around that kid. I’m paid to sell electronics to people. Listening to a kid scream for 20 minutes makes my job more miserable than it usually is. The worst part is they’re never in a rush to purchase. They’re looking to kill time with this kid everyday. So if they don’t see the price they want they can come back. They always come back.

Typical quote: When the sale be?

Smug asshole

This is turning out to be too long, but you get the point. Really I think this whole post boils down to “people who make me do my job that I think I’m better than.” The fucking nerve.

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