Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Tiny House, Big Douches

As yesterday was Earth Day I thought I would take some time to write about our friend the environment. Everyone who knows me knows that I care about the environment. It’s a pretty neat thing and I’d hate to wake up and have the environment up and be gone one of these days. Of course you all know that the only way to really save the environment is to loudly tell other people that you’re doing something that they’re not. Because if you’re doing something good for the environment and you’re not lording it over people’s heads constantly, are you really doing anything for the environment? Of course not.
Everyone knows that the only way to care for the environment is ostentatiously 

Which leads me to the tiny house movement. If you're not familiar with these folks you should be ashamed of yourself, because they are on the front lines of the war for Mother Earth. What the movement consists of is people living in small houses. And that’s really about it. But don’t worry, there are multiple websites and blogs reminding the world that they live in small houses. As this makes no fucking sense to uninformed (i.e. YOU), I’m here to clear up some confusion about this movement.

Q. How great are the people involved in this?

Q. A lot of these pictures just look like mobile homes, why don’t these people live in an existing trailer park, or mobile home community?
A. Ewww gross. You expect the people on the vanguard of a revolution to live in a trailer park? That’s disgusting. You, see these people CHOOSE to live in a small space, that doesn’t mean that they deserve to live next to people who have to live in a small space.
Definitely not a mobile home. It's just house. With wheels.
Q. Isn’t setting your tiny houses in suburbs and exurbs technically urban sprawl. And isn't urban sprawl a bad thing?
A. No. Urban sprawl only counts if you vote republican.

Don't worry the $20 they gave to the Sierra Club fifteen years ago negates the environmental impact of this
Q. Doesn’t putting these on new lots in new communities in suburbs or exurbs cause the destruction of trees and displace animals habitats?
A. We at the tiny house movement are convinced that animals are going to be excited to have us as neighbors. Plus it’s not like we’re taking down all the trees to live amongst them. Just enough for our houses, which are of course tiny. Also roads, schools, and stores. So there’s still gonna be a bunch of trees they can live in those. It might be crowded, but we’re living in smaller spaces the squirrels can too.
Your SUV is ugly, but the fact that I lease a new car every two years is in no way wasteful or impacting the environment in a negative way

Q. Wouldn’t it make more sense to move closer to a city center? It seems the fact that these houses, however tiny they are, being that far out put a strain on existing services like water, power, and waste disposal. Not to mention wouldn’t being closer to a city center make you less reliant on your car for everyday tasks like grocery shopping and the like? Plus, being in a multifamily unity would allow you build up which would diminish your footprint, would it not?

My other car is a pair of boots. Not this car. This car is a car. But sometimes I walk places

I hope that gave you a better understanding of one of the most important movements in modern environmentalism. Maybe next time I'll cover similar stories of great impact such as the one that involves constantly forgetting, but making sure to remind people of your canvas bags. I think it's safe to say that with such responsible stewards looking out for us our old friend the environment is in the best of hands. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

All That Jazz

Most comics have their first CD named about 6 months before they ever do an open mic. I can't say I've settled on one yet. I'm not saying I'm above the presumptious bullshit. I've got the cover all picked out. It's gonna be me, wearing a black suit and sunglasses, and there's gonna be a basket of kittens handcuffed to my wrist (nobody take that please). That part's easy, but the naming of a comedy album that's a sticky wicket. Too silly and you look like a doofus, too heady and you're an asshole. It's walking through a mine field and I just pray when the time comes I'll be ready to make a decision that I and that basket of kittens can stand behind. Naming jazz albums on the other hand, that's something I was born to do. So long as you follow these simple rules naming your first or upwards of 15th jazz album is a piece of cake. First rule of jazz album naming is you need the name of a jazz instrument in there. Seems obvious but a lot of cocksure jazz artists go out there with just their name, and people are left wondering what lies inside. Second rule for a solid jazz album is that you need a vaguely lewd pun involving that instrument. The fact that I know and respect these rules is why I'll be more than prepared if I ever decide to hang up my rubber chicken and throw my hat into the jazz ring. If that day ever comes I've compiled, for the first time ever*,  my favorite ideas for jazz albums.**

1) Upright Bass Desires

2) Anal Sax

3) Skat On My Chest

4) PiaNO Means PianYES

5) Tromboning Lots of Babes

6) Jazzing on Tits

7) Saxual Deviancy

8) Sax Offender Registry

9) Saxually Transmitted Disease

10) Something Clarinet Something (I'm sorry I got nothing on that one)

11) Just Stick it in My Brass Already

12) Rock Hard Woodwinds

13) Heavy Trumpetting

14)  Brass Play

15) Criminal Saxual Assault in the First Degree

Any prospective jazz labels. Please drop me a line. I played the trumpet up until 10th grade. I consider myself still quite profficient in the B flat major scale, Hot Crossed Buns, and Mary Had a Little Lamb. That should be enough for a pretty solid single. I would also consider selling them to a jazz artist who's got the chops, but who isn't up to the task of naming their masterpiece. So if anyone has contact info on Alexander Zonjic please let me know.

* Not necessarily the first time. Hardcore Adam Sokol fans will know that I did a similar thing on my Myspace page. But I came up with new ones I couldn't let go to waste and wasn't about to be the guy still updating his Myspace.

** I know these all probably just should have been tweets. I just didn't have the heart to send these gems out into the harsh twittersphere and risk having them not receive the coveted favs and RTs they would richly deserve.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A Slide to Remember

Let me take you back to a simpler time. The year was 1995. Bill Clinton was in the midst of the longest period of economic growth and his ability to sexually manipulate his subordinates had yet to be challenged. On the radio Montell Jordan was showing us how to do it, while TLC told the world what not to chase. And ethnic Albanians were still facing the business end of Slobodan Milošević while America had yet to give a shit. And two young men bonded over a show called Sliders. As any of you alive at that time will remember that the nation was in the midst of what has since been dubbed "Sliders Fever". It was hard to avoid. It's cultural impact is still felt to this day.

Sliders means never having to say you're sorry

Those of you too young, or in a coma during those years have probably read in history books about what a influential show Sliders was. It was a show in which a group of people traveled between dimensions. Sometimes the dimensions were scary. Sometimes they were comical. Sometimes they were blatant ripoffs of other current movies. But no matter what happened or how different the world was one thing remained the same. The fact that no matter how different the world they were traveling to was, everyone would look the same, be the same age, and have the name.

Quinn's parents fuck at the exact same time no matter how different the world is

Here's the episode where the gang finds themselves in a life or death game played for an entertainment that's televised in a post apocolyptic world. A game in which the last survivor wins.
Good lord Mr. Mallory, we've slid to a world where Suzanne Collins is free to rip us off
Here's the episode where there are snakes. Snakes on a plane. Snakes that cause a plane to crash.

I'm tired of these mother fucking snakes in this mother fucking parallel dimension 
And of course the episode that foresaw just how shitty tattoos and Brooklynites would be.

The power of Bright Eyes compels you

Once in a generation a show comes along that is so pervasive it becomes a bonding experience for a society. As many of you remember Sliders of course was that show. I remember. I can’t begin to tell you just how many friendships were made over Sliders, but I remember one that was strengthened by it. My friend Ryan and I were inseparable. I vividly remember the day he told me about watching the series premier the night before. He cursed me as a fool for missing it. I was, but it was a mistake I wasn’t soon to repeat. For the next three years that it was on Fox if an episode had just aired you can be sure as shit that Ryan and I were going to be found hashing out what happened to Quinn and the gang the next day. Until of course it was cancelled and picked back up by the Sci-Fi channel, and neither of us knew what happened to it so we just assumed it had been cancelled.

I had thought that Sliders, like my bond with Ryan had been lost to the ages. I hadn't heard from either in years. Now, thanks to the power of the internet Sliders is back. It came to Netflix and since then we've been spending our free time catching up. As far as Ryan, who knows. I’m sure if I spent a few minutes online I’d be more than able to find him. But why bother, I’ve got what matters most.