Wednesday, April 16, 2014

All That Jazz

Most comics have their first CD named about 6 months before they ever do an open mic. I can't say I've settled on one yet. I'm not saying I'm above the presumptious bullshit. I've got the cover all picked out. It's gonna be me, wearing a black suit and sunglasses, and there's gonna be a basket of kittens handcuffed to my wrist (nobody take that please). That part's easy, but the naming of a comedy album that's a sticky wicket. Too silly and you look like a doofus, too heady and you're an asshole. It's walking through a mine field and I just pray when the time comes I'll be ready to make a decision that I and that basket of kittens can stand behind. Naming jazz albums on the other hand, that's something I was born to do. So long as you follow these simple rules naming your first or upwards of 15th jazz album is a piece of cake. First rule of jazz album naming is you need the name of a jazz instrument in there. Seems obvious but a lot of cocksure jazz artists go out there with just their name, and people are left wondering what lies inside. Second rule for a solid jazz album is that you need a vaguely lewd pun involving that instrument. The fact that I know and respect these rules is why I'll be more than prepared if I ever decide to hang up my rubber chicken and throw my hat into the jazz ring. If that day ever comes I've compiled, for the first time ever*,  my favorite ideas for jazz albums.**

1) Upright Bass Desires

2) Anal Sax

3) Skat On My Chest

4) PiaNO Means PianYES

5) Tromboning Lots of Babes

6) Jazzing on Tits

7) Saxual Deviancy

8) Sax Offender Registry

9) Saxually Transmitted Disease

10) Something Clarinet Something (I'm sorry I got nothing on that one)

11) Just Stick it in My Brass Already

12) Rock Hard Woodwinds

13) Heavy Trumpetting

14)  Brass Play

15) Criminal Saxual Assault in the First Degree

Any prospective jazz labels. Please drop me a line. I played the trumpet up until 10th grade. I consider myself still quite profficient in the B flat major scale, Hot Crossed Buns, and Mary Had a Little Lamb. That should be enough for a pretty solid single. I would also consider selling them to a jazz artist who's got the chops, but who isn't up to the task of naming their masterpiece. So if anyone has contact info on Alexander Zonjic please let me know.

* Not necessarily the first time. Hardcore Adam Sokol fans will know that I did a similar thing on my Myspace page. But I came up with new ones I couldn't let go to waste and wasn't about to be the guy still updating his Myspace.

** I know these all probably just should have been tweets. I just didn't have the heart to send these gems out into the harsh twittersphere and risk having them not receive the coveted favs and RTs they would richly deserve.

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