Saturday, August 30, 2014

All The News That's Fit To Print

This is an article about me that was in an actual newspaper. Neat.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Ninja Please

There was a story that caught my attention earlier in the week. Not sure if you heard about it, but there was a lady at the University of Alabama who sent out a Snapchat with N word in it. Specifically that her sorority had none, and presumably this was a cause of exclamation points and celebration. It made it's way around the internet. Now she's got kicked out of her sorority.

The Snapchat in question
I don’t use Snapchat. I downloaded it for a week. Then I realized i was in my thirties and nobody would want or need to send Snapchats my way. I’m not sure if I fully understand the point of it anyway. I thought it was just a newer social networking site. Turns out it’s a photo sharing app that automatically deletes the pictures you send before they get you into trouble. I don’t know what experience other people have had with it, but I can imagine that this lady is not a satisfied customer in that regard. She probably would prefer one the many drunken shots of her flashing the party had survived and this one had been forgotten, but unfortunately for her it didn’t work out that way.

Someone's about to get a one star review
There’s been a minor shitstorm surrounding this. Minor because theres a lot of shitstorms going on right now, and all the other shitstorms have mostly eclipsed this one. As far as the incident itself goes, I don’t really care. I feel sorry for a lot of people, can't say that she’s one of them. It’s nothing personal. I think the reactions and the apologies are a whole lot more telling.

Her sorority reacted pretty strongly. They kicked her out right quick for bringing shame on their house. Then they pointed out that they in fact have a handful of black members. In fact they just offered bids to 21 black pledges they said in their own defense. Out of like 2000. So take that haters! Maybe she would have been better off had the picture read Chi O got 0.0105% Niggas. That’s practically the same thing, but they really can’t get angry if the math is correct. But nonetheless the sorority and the university of Alabama are shocked. Shocked that one of its members would act like this. After all the sororities at this particular university have a legally enforced history of inclusion that dates back almost one year.

Let’s hop in the way-back machine and see what things were like in the groovy days of September 2013

Some have said that this young lady is innocent. That this is all one big misunderstanding and we should all just calm the fuck down. Some in the media have reported that this is silly. She wasn’t trying to type the N word. You see she was just trying to type the word “ninja”. Ninja is a non racially charged word. It’s a slang term for sorority pledges that means a lady who isn’t your first choice. So she was just trying to convey that her chapter didn’t have any ladies they didn’t want. They were all top notch. No harm, no foul, right?

Diversity in action

I don’t know who put this out there. Wether it was the lady in question herself or just someone who’s a fan. But this explanation is not just horse shit, it’s the most horse shit that’s ever been. This is so bad that it makes the lady look even worse. If you have a smart phone you may know that it very rarely assumes you mean the N word. I can count on zero hands the amount of times my phone has been like, “hey, noticed you hadn’t called anyone a racial slur in a while, let me change that for you.” People like to heap a lot of blame on their autocorrect feature. It can lead to a lot of embarrassing mistakes in texts, I'll be the first to admit. But you have to give it credit where credit is due. It's always been really kind to me on racial slur front.I’ve had an iPhone for over a year. It still usually assumes I meant to say that I don’t “ducking give a shot.” I was texting a friend when I first got my phone and wanted to refer to a guy as “the cuntiest” person I had met. My phone changed it to “cubiesky.” My phone was so put off by my language that it changed it to complete gibberish instead of letting me say what I originally had typed. Just now my computer changed it to “contest” three times before it let me type “cuntiest.” You know how many times you have to type the N word before your phone just assumes that’s what you mean? A whole hell of a lot. So this lady’s defense is that she wasn’t trying to say the N word, it's just that she always uses the N word.

What happens when you try to type the N word

I have to say that is one of most ducking horse shot defenses I’ve ever heard.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The 80s Kid Challenge!

Were you born in the 80’s! Only the GIFs know for sure. Read on and find out!

Do you remember the first time Alanis Morisette told you what you ought to have known?

How about when you wept at the fact The Power Rangers wouldn’t save you from the savage attacks of your father?

All you wanted was Zack Morris to give you his phone so you could beat Screech to within an inch of his stupid “zoinks” saying life.

and that the Nintendo Power Glove was fucking worthless

and whenever the police came over your cool uncle would hide his coke in your Popple

And you hated letting your cousin borrow your water snake because it would come back smelling… funny.

And Jim proved that we still had the only Belushi we needed.

You remember when men were men

and women were women
Hubba hubba!

If you answered yes to most of these then for fucks sake get back to work. I mean, come on. You’re in your thirties. This kind of behavior just isn’t acceptable anymore. Listen, we hired you because I knew your dad, but enough is enough. Come Monday morning you, me, and HR really need to talk about your performance to date.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Saying "9-11 Was An Inside Job" Is An Inside Job

I think everyone can agree there there is a vast conspiracy surrounding the events of September 11th 2001. Only a right fool could possible believe that exactly what you saw unfold before your eyes is what unfolded before your eyes. It’s obvious that a shadowy cabal of some of the most powerful people on Earth orchestrated that horrific event to manipulate the world into fulfilling their agenda. Now they’re conspiring to keep us from knowing the truth. Only those of us who aren’t afraid of the truth and are will to ask the tough questions are open to knowing what really went down.

9-11-2001: The day Friends had to hastily change their opening sequence

There’s really just one question you have to ask, and that’s “who benefits?” Once you’ve figured that out everything falls into place. A lot of people in the 9/11 Truth movement will tell you that it was a group of wealthy industrialists in cahoots with the folks at the highest levels of power of this country brought down those towers. They think this because of the thought that it was done in order to stir up some trouble in order to make all sorts of money off oil and war.

I’ve never like that reasoning. It sounds nice in a convoluted conspiracy nut kind of way. Listen, I’ve got no love lost for oil folks or war mongers. But that whole thing assumes that oil and war were just about done with until 9-11 came along. We were all sitting around happy as clams on 9-10 in our electric cars breathing clean air and singing happy songs along all four corners of the globe. The CEOs of Exxon, BP, and Bullets Inc. were struggling to make ends meet while working second and third jobs. They knew something needed to happen or else they’d wind up in the poor house. Then they settled on the whole murder a bunch of people with a false flag operation thing.

Demand for war: starting point beginning of time

If that sounds like a crock of shit it’s because it’s crock of shit. I mean on the surface it kinda makes sense. I’m sure oil and defense companies have been making some money. I don’t even have to look that up because they’ve been making money since the beginning of time and will continue to do so long after humans have been eliminated from Earth (probably gone due to oil use and war, but I digress). People like oil. People like war. We always have and by god we always will. In fact the only thing the citizens of the world enjoy more than wasting oil is killing people who stand in the way of more oil consumption. Oil and war are two of the most stable industries that have ever existed. So if you’re an oil company who gives a shit if you profits jump up a couple more billion dollars. yes they’ve benefited, but not in any way that they probably even noticed. Making a few more billion to them I like finding. a dime for you and me. Neat, but who cares.
Chart shows demand for oil from 1BC to 45000 years after humans are extinct. 

Could it be that folks are just wrong about who’s responsible or is their something more sinister at foot? Have we been purposefully misled by the real perpetrators of 9-11. Everyone familiar with magic knows about misdirection. The object of a magician is to keep you looking where they want you to look so you don’t notice the trick. Could it be that’s whats happening behind this whole 9-11 truth movement. All you have to do is ask yourself who benefits and the answers will appear quite clearly. The real responsible parties are the makers of conspiracy themed products. Think about it. They may not be making as much as the oil companies in terms of total dollars, but in terms of percentages their profits have gone up to an unimaginable level. The demand for oil has remained all but constant forever. Whereas the demand for listening to jackasses talk about false flags was stagnant at best. Now you can’t spend 10 minutes on Facebook without an unemployed guy you kinda knew from college trying to explain to you the finer points of when steel melts.

Demand for conspiracy related horse shit. All numbers courtesy of my ass. 

Some of you might be curious as to what I have in the way of evidence. Well if the proliferation of movies such as Loose Change, Books such as Debunking 9/11 Debunking, and t-shirts such as:
Looking good!

Don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. I mean, come on. But for other proof you just have to ask use your brain. Everyone knows that the more dangerous a conspiracy theory is the more those that benefit will do to keep people from figuring out the truth. The monied interests are really good at keeping people in the dark, so the fewer people that believe in any given theory the higher the likelihood there is that it’s true. My theory is so true that not one person on Earth believes it. If the monied interests are so determined to keep people from knowing that even I know this is horse shit, then I must be on to something. And the something I'm onto goes all the way to the top!

Friday, August 1, 2014

Guilty as Charged

They say you can’t go home. I don’t know who they are or why that phrase stuck, because I’m pretty sure it’s horse shit. In fact, I went home just last week. You periodically have to go home from time to time. If you don't your mom gets angry at you. If you live somewhere you weren’t born chances that not only can you go home, but a good chunk of your vacation time will be spent going home. It seems that's where a good portion of the weddings I'm invited to are located. At home. I'm from Michigan that's where the home I'm not supposed to be able to got back, but I went back home to Michigan just last week for a wedding. So there.

I was only home for a few days. One of the days was spent going to a wedding. I did get to see my parents. My wife and I stayed at my in-laws. So I got to see both my parents in-law (or parent in-laws, I guess it could also be in-law parents) and my cats in-law. I didn’t make a lot of plans because I knew we weren't going to be there that long, and some of the ones I did make I didn’t get a chance to do. I wanted to see some friends, but with the wedding, our folks, and the cats time just ran too short.
Me and the cats in-law (I'm the one in the hat)

I handled this like I generally do, by feeling guilty about it. I don’t have have any numbers to back this up, but I’m pretty sure that I experience guilt a full 735% more than the average person. I don’t know when it started really or why, but I’ve always been pretty prone to feeling a lot of guilt. I vividly remember and still feel guilty about the day in 7th grade when I took the last piece of chicken even though my dad wanted it. 

The image the Wikipedia page uses for guilt

What I’m saying is that I’m a guilty guy. I don’t like that way. Sometimes I do something shitty and I don’t feel guilty. Then I think about it and start feeling guilty for my lack of guilt. 

I’ve always associated feeling guilty with a lack of self-confidence. I will admit that’s something I’ve also had trouble with through the years. Don’t worry though, you can bet your ass that I feel guilty as hell about my lack of self-confidence. So, I’m on it. This past weekend I realized that it’s the polar opposite. Only self-involved sacks of shit run around feeling guilty all the time. 

I didn’t get to see all the people I wanted to see. I got to see some of my family, but I didn’t get to see them enough. So I felt guilty. That might be the most narcissistic thing way to feel in that situation. You feel guilty when you’ve wronged someone. I didn’t wrong anyone. I just did not see them. My brain interprets not hanging out with people as wronging them. That’s it, their week must have just been ruined because I wasn’t in it. I’m like a child who assumes people just disappear when I’m not there and it eats me up. 

I’m pretty sure my parents like me okay, but who knows. Maybe they don’t. Me moving across the country might have been the best day of their lives. They might have one of those big days without accident signs, but instead it celebrates all the days I’m not there. I don’t know. They've always been supportive of me following my dreams. Maybe they were doing that in the hopes that I'd follow my dreams far away from them. My friends seem to be getting along pretty good without me, and I imagine they’ll continue to do so. Hell, for all I know all the dire economic news coming out of Michigan might be a cover to make sure I don’t come back anytime soon (add delusions of grandeur and paranoia to lack of self-confidence and crippling guilt). Who in their right mind wants to hang out with some weird guilty guy who keeps on apologizing for eating a piece of chicken nineteen years ago anyhow. 

My parents four years ago. They're smiling because I'm about to move away

So, to my family and friends who I didn’t get to see last week or didn’t see enough of, YOU’RE WELCOME!