Saturday, September 20, 2014

Guest Columnist: Angry Bus Lady

I was out of town last week. I took a Chinatown bus to Philadelphia, which was pretty neat. The Chinatown bus is a weird way to travel because you leave in Chinatown and then you arrive in another Chinatown. So part of you gets off the bus and looks around and says “I’m pretty sure this is the same place."

It's only $10 because this happens 30% of the time. 

It was a fun trip. I was hoping something crazy would have happened so I could write about it, but unfortunately it was pretty mundane. Luckily there was someone on my bus who was having trip enough for the both of us. She was so riled up I decided to turn this space over to her this week. So please welcome guest columnist Angry Bus Lady with her thoughts from the trip.

Maybe New York. Maybe Philly. Maybe China. Who the fuck knows.

I had to run across the whole city. I ain’t got NO breath!
4:01 To nobody in particular

Don’t you dare kick my seat. 
4:05 To the lady behind her

Don’t fucking kick that seat anymore. We are civil here you fucking asshole.
4:10 To the lady behind her again

I’m telling you for the last time about that seat. This is America. 
4:30 To the lady behind her for the last time

How bout YOU move YOUR fucking elbow!
5:00 to the gentleman who was her seat mate

NO! NO! NO! 
5:05 to the gentleman sitting next to her

5:07 to the gentleman sitting next to her.

You people hearing these headphones? I mean how we supposed to be hearing our headphones when this dude’s headphones so loud. I mean, shit. Right?
5:15 To everyone else on the bus. Though I don’t think she realized that someone yelling about headphones was a lot more disruptive than the headphones themselves.

Someone best be switching seats with me. How about you?
5:17 I don’t know who she was talking to. I didn’t want to look up on the off chance she was talking to me.

(Loud Snoring)

Don’t be taking all day in that bathroom.
6:15 to the person in the bathroom

You out that bathroom yet, I mean come on!
6:15 & 1/2 to the person in the bathroom

That’s it, enough of these fucking games. Get out that fucking bathroom. I GOT to use it now. 
6:16 to the person in the bathroom

About fucking time!
6:18 to the recently vacated bathroom

You mean I gotta put up with this the whole way to Philly?
6:30 - To ? Re: ?

I mean the WHOLE way to Philly?!?!
6:35 To ? Re:?

I mean, seriously. 
6:45 To ? Re: ?

Finally! Thanks for nothing asshole.
7:00 to her seat mate upon the completion of a successful trip to Philly.

And with that she was unleashed on the unsuspecting people of The City of Brotherly Love. I don't know what became of her. Maybe one day I'll run into her again, and will be able to share her thoughts with you a second time. But just in case I took the train home instead. Thanks ABL!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Don't See Something, Don't Say Something

I’ve been a little down this week. I don’t know what the exact cause is, but I’m pretty sure it can be traced back to me watching the trailer for the movie If I stay. That's that downer looking movie starring Chloe Mortez. No offense to Mortez. I’ve seen her in a couple of Kick Ass related movies and enjoyed her very much. So not to take anything away from her, but this movie looks like a total bummer. Some people are into that kind of thing. They like getting punched in the gut with how bleak life can be. Maybe it’s cathartic. Maybe they're monsters. I don’t know the impulse that drives people to watch movies like this. 

I just don’t like the whole idea of going to see a movie that looks that draining. What kind of person wants to sit and watch a girl maybe die but probably not? That seems like a really shitty afternoon. I’ve never understood the desire to be put through the wringer like that. Even if she decides she wants to live. I mean she probnlaby does. "Live for love" is the tagline of the stupid movie for Christ’s sake. So if they call it that it’d be really shitty of the makers to have the lady who’s supposed to be living for love, just up and die on you at the end. I wouldn’t put it past them. But even if she decides to live and gets to live happily ever after with her tossle haired boyfriend (at least until their second year of college when they realize it’s just not working and they go their separate ways. Which probably is for the best anyhow. Very rarely is it the best idea to just assume that person you’re most compatible with just happened to to live in the same high school district as you.). But let’s say she lives and the end of the movie and it’s kinda happy. Her whole family is dead. We watched that happen in the preview. I felt exhausted just watching that and it's only like two minutes. There are people who want to watch these movies that deal with the shittest parts of liffe. They want to watch marriages crumble, They want to watch a lady see her whole family get wiped out by the business end of truck right before her very eyes. I’m not saying every movie has to end with a bunch of robots duking it out while someone sits in the corner farting, but at the same time who wants to spend eighteen dollars to be reminded that life sucks sometimes?

But then I remembered a very important fact about this movie. I don't have to see it. Not only do I not have to see this movie, chances are that I never will. The fact that I had such an immediate dislike for the very idea of this movie means it’s probably not even intended to be seen by me. I’m not the target demographic in any way shape or form. That’s part of the problem with with people having so many means of getting opinions out to the public, too often people do. And it’s not that their opinion sucks (it usually does) or that they're wrong (often they are) it’s that far too often their getting angry about shit that isn’t even made for them. We have this weird belief that all pop culture must be directed and commented on. Something I’m trying to play both sides of right now, because I'm just the worst hypocrite there is. Most of it isn’t for you. There’s no way that all pop culture is made for all people. In fact, you're probably only the target for a small amount of it.

Comic book people are among the worst perpetrators of this. There's no shame in not seeing a movie that looks bad. I'm not angry at having wasted money or time on The Green Lantern, because I was pretty sure that movie was suck so when it came out I spent all my time not seeing that piece of shit movie. Sounds like I made the right choice. There are literally dozens of movies, books, and musicians that I never be familiar with. And that feels great. There have been literally millions of stories written about Ben Affleck as Batman. Millions of opinion pieces about a movie that, as it does not exist yet, should have no formed opinions on it.
Eight million people are angry! Probably. Unless it's good. Which it might be, but probably won't be. Listen, all I know is that 11 years ago he was in something that sucked so FUCK YOU!

Mr. Ben Affleck has taken a lot of flack. Which is fine, I’m not a Zach Snyder fan I understand the movie might suck. So you don’t have to see the movie. Not even a little bit. I even like Ben Affleck and I spend most of my time not watching Ben Affleck movies (that is not to be read as a defense of Zach Snyder. The movie very well may suck, which is why I'll probably wait until it's streaming to catch it (see, I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth again. Like an asshole))

The amount of open letters people have written to celebrities like Miley Cyrus over the past few years are probably almost equal to the amount of fucks she does not give. Because chances are Miley isn't writing and performing to appeal to the kind of people who write open letters to strangers (Salon. I'm looking at you). Those weren't the people who supported her over the years. So why the fuck should she care that folks who've never been into her are "concerned with where her career is going." Being a thirty year old who writes about how little they get Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber is the same as writing Fisher Price because your adult body is crushing your toy car. I've found that I don’t much care for the music of Ke$sha. I found that pretty early on when she had that first hit. So I decided to remove myself from situations where Kesha would be around. If you hate Ke$ha, but every place you go you're accosted by Ke$ha, then find new places. No shame in that. If i keep on going to places where their constatnly playing Ke$hea chances are i’d be asked to leave. Because usually places like that play Ke$ha only play music like that to keep people like me away.

Get out kid, it's my turn

So join me in not seeing If I Stay this week. Because who gives a shit. Also, join me in not reading any opinion pieces about the people who do. Except for this one of course.