Saturday, September 20, 2014

Guest Columnist: Angry Bus Lady

I was out of town last week. I took a Chinatown bus to Philadelphia, which was pretty neat. The Chinatown bus is a weird way to travel because you leave in Chinatown and then you arrive in another Chinatown. So part of you gets off the bus and looks around and says “I’m pretty sure this is the same place."

It's only $10 because this happens 30% of the time. 

It was a fun trip. I was hoping something crazy would have happened so I could write about it, but unfortunately it was pretty mundane. Luckily there was someone on my bus who was having trip enough for the both of us. She was so riled up I decided to turn this space over to her this week. So please welcome guest columnist Angry Bus Lady with her thoughts from the trip.

Maybe New York. Maybe Philly. Maybe China. Who the fuck knows.

I had to run across the whole city. I ain’t got NO breath!
4:01 To nobody in particular

Don’t you dare kick my seat. 
4:05 To the lady behind her

Don’t fucking kick that seat anymore. We are civil here you fucking asshole.
4:10 To the lady behind her again

I’m telling you for the last time about that seat. This is America. 
4:30 To the lady behind her for the last time

How bout YOU move YOUR fucking elbow!
5:00 to the gentleman who was her seat mate

NO! NO! NO! 
5:05 to the gentleman sitting next to her

5:07 to the gentleman sitting next to her.

You people hearing these headphones? I mean how we supposed to be hearing our headphones when this dude’s headphones so loud. I mean, shit. Right?
5:15 To everyone else on the bus. Though I don’t think she realized that someone yelling about headphones was a lot more disruptive than the headphones themselves.

Someone best be switching seats with me. How about you?
5:17 I don’t know who she was talking to. I didn’t want to look up on the off chance she was talking to me.

(Loud Snoring)

Don’t be taking all day in that bathroom.
6:15 to the person in the bathroom

You out that bathroom yet, I mean come on!
6:15 & 1/2 to the person in the bathroom

That’s it, enough of these fucking games. Get out that fucking bathroom. I GOT to use it now. 
6:16 to the person in the bathroom

About fucking time!
6:18 to the recently vacated bathroom

You mean I gotta put up with this the whole way to Philly?
6:30 - To ? Re: ?

I mean the WHOLE way to Philly?!?!
6:35 To ? Re:?

I mean, seriously. 
6:45 To ? Re: ?

Finally! Thanks for nothing asshole.
7:00 to her seat mate upon the completion of a successful trip to Philly.

And with that she was unleashed on the unsuspecting people of The City of Brotherly Love. I don't know what became of her. Maybe one day I'll run into her again, and will be able to share her thoughts with you a second time. But just in case I took the train home instead. Thanks ABL!

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