Sunday, March 22, 2015

Two Ankles: A Love Story

I don't really know how, but I done busted my ankle a couple months back. It would problaby be healed by now, but it took me the better part of a month to realize that I'd done busted it. So now I’ve got a big dumb cast I've got to wear, seemingly until the end of time. You start wearing a cast and you almost forget what it’s like to have a normal functioning ankle. I don’t remember what it was like to just walk.

My dumb stupid broken ankle 

I don't want to be a complete sourpuss about it. There are some good things about wearing a cast and walking on crutches. People on public transportation usually will give you a seat. I mean it is a law so I don’t know how much credit they deserve for this, but who gives a fuck. Legally obligated or not,  people being nice to you still feels good. Also I've had an excuse to sit on my stupid ass and watch a lot of Voyager. Mostly though, it sucks. Worst things about not having two functioning ankles at my disposal that I've noticed so far are these.

Standing. Oh how I took just standing still for granted. I didn’t realize just how tough it’d be with only one functioning leg. I could just stand for hours at a time with not a care in the world. Only have one leg and you’re not just standing, you're balancing on one stupid leg. And it’s giving out on you.

The train. Yeah, it’s great once you get on there and everyone gets up to give you their seat, but getting there is going to be the biggest pain in the ass in the whole fucking world. “Sub” is right in the word subway, so you know right there that chances are it’s going to be below something. And what it’s below is you. It’s probably going to be downstairs. If it’s not downstairs then it’s upstairs. And the thing that both upstairs and downstairs locations have in common is stairs. Usually a fair amount of stairs. Handicaped stations ones aren’t much of a help. They usually just eliminate one set and then leave you to crutch up and down the next.

Drinking responsibly. I have to do this now. There’s no having one too many and just stumbling a little bit. Or waking up with a headache. If I end up having too much booze I just have to lay wherever I am until the morning rolls around and I have my balance back.

Biking. All of this stupid winter I’ve been waiting for some nice weather to get out there and ride my bike. Right before that time came I’ve got a stupid non bike riding cast that needs to go along with me everywhere I go. Fuck you cast. 

Running: I’ve never gone running a once in my stupid life, but I was really thinking about starting when I hurt it. Now I’m just looking out the window at the nice weather knowing how kick ass a runner I'd be by now. Thanks a lot stupid ankle.

Kicking things. You’d think that among the things that are just as easy to do with one ankle as it is to do with two would be kicking things. Not the case. While it’s true that you’re really only doing the kicking with the one leg you very much need the other one to help you not fall on your stupid back and break your stupid brain. And if you think doing shit with one less leg is tough just try that shit with one less skull. Now every time I see a pigeon down on the ground staring up at me I have to excersise some self control and not square up and teach that piece of shit a lesson.

This all sucks. It's only been sucking for two weeks. It will probably end up sucking for another month. So pigeons enjoy the next few weeks, because after that, all bets are off.

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