Thursday, December 17, 2015

Hey Star Wars, Go Fuck Yourself

Some people think that Star Wars is the greatest thing ever. Some people think that Star Wars sucks. Both people are very much wrong. Star Wars is pretty good. I like Star Wars. I look forward to seeing the new one. I don’t plan on seeing it opening weekend or anything. I bought tickets for the first showing where I’m guaranteed not to see an asshole with a lightsaber at the theater. I saw Empire when I was five years old. My friend had it on VHS. I liked it, but I didn’t see the rest of the trilogy until ten years later. I liked those just fine as well. So when I heard the prequels were coming out, I was pumped. My friend Brandon and I made plans to see The Phantom Menace three times in a row on opening day. I saw it once and decided to let him go it alone the remaining two times. 
What I’m saying is I don’t hate Star Wars. There’s something to be said for getting three kickass movies even if it’s only .500. But when it comes to sci-fi I prefer my stars trekked not warred. I was 12 when I saw my first episode of Star Trek: TNG. Afterwards I sure as shit didn’t wait ten years to watch another. I’m not saying you can’t like both Wars and Trek. It’s not an either or thing, but when one interferes with the other that’s when you got a beef. 

I never like my stars gated. 
When Enterprise went off the air in 2005 we were left Trekless for four years. After too long a drought we finally got a new Star Trek movie called Star Trek. It was good. It was just a reboot, but it was still a pretty goddamn good one. It was helmed by JJ Abrams. People liked it. They liked it so much that Abrams was not only put in charge of the second Star Trek, but was also tapped to direct the new Star Wars. At which point the whole fucking world went wookie shit. 
Bros, I’m such a nerd bros. I’m really into the most popular film franchise of all time bros.

Which is all fine and good. Star Wars isn’t my favorite. Trek is. But I’m not one of those assholes who thinks just because I like something better then the other shouldn’t exist. I’m not interested in any Bloods/Crips feud between the two. That was until the pop culture status of Star Wars as the “cool” sci-fi franchise had to up and fuck with my Trek. Turns out that even though the last three times we’d revisited that galaxy far far away it had sucked balls people were taking that new Star Wars pretty seriously, and Abrams didn’t want to mishandle such a vaunted piece of pop culture. So Abrams gave it a lot of time and energy. It took up so much of his time and energy that Abrams decided to make the followup to Star Trek really shitty. It was a lot of rehashed stuff from the 2009 one. It contained a plot twist that everyone saw coming seconds into seeing the first trailer. It was shat out and thrown in our troughs knowing full well we were going to see it regardless of what it looked like, because fuck those Trek folks. 
Hey. Fuck you John Harrison. 
Last weekend the world also got the first trailer for the next Star Trek. Blandly named Star Trek: Beyond. The trailer looks pretty fine, but I can’t wait to see it. This weekend the world gets The Force awakens, which I’ll admit looks pretty badass. But part of me kind of hopes that after this Star Wars does great Abrams is asked to remake The Godfather trilogy and in 2018 Star Wars fans everywhere get to watch in horror at a two and a half epic about a half Gungan half Ewok working as a Galactic Senate aid. 

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