Saturday, March 12, 2016

Hey Audi, Go Fuck Yourselves

I’m a bit of a sports buff, and as such I watched this thing I like to call the “Super Bowl” last month. It’s a pretty big football game. But in addition to the sports you also get advertisers showcasing their best. It’s like the 
Super Bowl of commercials in addition to being the Super Bowl of football games. It’s one super bowl all around. 
Of all the commercials I’d have to say that my least favorite was one for the new Audi R8. On a scale of 1-10 I would assign it whatever number goes along with criminal negligence. Because it is awful. Just fucking awful.
It seems kind of silly to complain about commercials. Because who gives a shit. It seems extra silly to complain about commercials for products that are not for me. It was for an Audi car. I am not who Audi is advertising to. Audi is a car company for folks for people that have a lot of money, but who need something more to help get them through the day. It’s cars made almost exclusively for dentists.
Here’s how the ad goes. It goes through a pretty fancy house. There’s a bunch of stuff about space. Astronauts, rockets, and the like. So we’re supposed to assume that the owner of the house is either a former astronaut or some kind of space nerd. 
Eventually we get to see, who we’re supposed to assume, is the owner of the house. A grumpy looking old codger. He’s got some food on a tray that remains untouched. He’s just now realizing that he was in space once and there’s no way in hell that he’s ever going to do anything even close to that cool again so he’s taking it out on whomever made him that tray of food. 
A young lady takes the food away. Either a live-in nurse or some kind of trophy wife. We don’t know. Then some lights show up outside. The angry old man has a visitor. 
It’s what we’re supposed to assume is his son. He asks the nurse if his father has been eating. He hasn’t. Then the son say’s “alright commander let’s go.” 
The son then shows his dad his bitchin’ new car. It’s an Audi (if it wasn’t that’d be a really odd way for Audi to spend all that money). The son gives the old man the keys and as he gets in there’s a countdown. Like a spaceship. He’s settling in and there’s footage from the old man going into space. They drive around as footage from the dad going to space is spliced throughout, and a David Bowie song plays. One of Bowie’s space themed songs. They’re really going for broke on the whole space thing. 
There’s two different title cards that then show. First one says that “shooting for the moon brings out the best in us.” Alright Audi, let’s not get too proud of yourselves. You built an expensive German car. Don’t shit yourselves with pride on that front. You’re not the first, won’t be the last. 
Second title card pops up and it says “the 205 mph new Audi R8.” Which is the most fucked up thing I’d ever seen a car company encourage people to do. It shows that while this old man is driving. The old man we were told earlier in the commercial needs someone to feed him because he’s too old and infirm. And now he’s racing around the countryside at speeds of OVER A FOOTBALL FIELD PER SECOND. Dude probably shouldn’t be driving at all let alone at speeds like that.
The old man’s facilities aside, you can’t encourage anyone to drive at speeds like that. Up to and especially folks needing live-in help. Companies get a lot of leeway when it comes to advertising. There’s always that shit in car commercials where they show someone driving like a fucking asshole and then  remind you that he’s a professional driver on a closed course, so it’s cool. But this is one of the few commercials, advertising anything, where the company uses the most illegal thing you can do with their product as a reason to buy it. That’s as fucked up as that gets. No other industry would ever be allowed to kinda get away with that shit.

Budweiser: You know why you’re being this. Drinking responsibly is for beer that tastes good, tonight let’s get tanked! Plus these bottles break away to make a handy weapon to stick in the back of that guy who’s been looking at your woman!
Sudafed: Now with a handy recipe for meth on the back so you make sure you don’t accidentally combine those ingredients and become really high and very wealthy ;)
Pretty sure if either one of those companies tired that there’d be congressional hearings. So Audi, as someone who finds himself on roads sometimes let me offer you a heartfelt and sincere go fuck yourselves!

1 comment:

  1. Dude, you are a funny guy! And, yes, you are right; letting a codger drive at those speeds is just insane! I made a video ad for Audi, hope you let it be linked - if not, I understand! Here`s the link: