Friday, August 25, 2017

The Wrongest Thing On The Internet & Good Trek #34 Mirror, Mirror

Intro: I’ve loved Star Trek since I was a kid. I started by watching TNG in 6th grade. I’ve been a fan since then and though I’ve spent a lot of time watching Star Trek, I’ve never watched The Original Series. So, I’m watching and reviewing them as a fan of Star Trek, but one who’s never seen any of them. So I’m watching all the TOS episodes for the first time and saying whether or not they suck. At the end, I give examples of better Star Trek to watch that remind me of this episode. That’s it.

I read a lot of internet comments. Partially because it’s my job. I read internet comments for a job. It’s a weird job. I’ve been doing that full time for a few years and every time I think that these weirdos won’t be able to surprise me they find a way to be so fucking nuts that I can’t help but take notice. I was reading some comments about the upcoming remake of Death Wish. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s a movie called Death Wish. Then there were a bunch of sequels. Now there will be a reboot. It’s got Moonlighting's Bruce Willis and it looks like shit. If you’re not familiar with the Death Wishes they’re about a guy whose family is attacked by gang members so he goes around New York City murdering people. Casting a dude who looks an awful lot like George Zimmerman to play a guy who murdering folks he doesn’t want in his neighborhood. 

This movie, like pretty much everything ever, has divided the internet on ideological lines. Liberals look at this movie and see a crass piece of shit that looks like it standing for vigilante murderers and young (mostly black men) having their civil rights being robbed and being murdered by cops and shitheads who think they’re cops. Conservatives love watching criminals get murdered. I don’t want to paint with too broad a brush, but they seem to like watching criminals get murdered more if the criminal is black. That’s what I’ve noticed on the internet. It’s creepy and weird and wrong. 

Anyhow, I was reading the comments regarding the controversy around this movie and I came across this gem: “Viagra ain’t got nothing on this trailer.” Hey, holy fuck. I don’t care whether the idea of a new Death Wish has you running out to buy tickets or not, what it shouldn't be doing is having you running off to buy lube. That’s gross and weird. I know he was joking but even so, that’s not cool.I like to think that he wasn’t being facetious. That he has a picture of Bruce Willis and/or Charles Bronson tacked up to his headboard. Then I think about his poor poor wife. Telling a partner what you’re into can be tough. There’s a lot of weird stuff out there. Telling her about what gets his motor going she was probably expecting something like nurses or one of the other standards. But then he sat her down and in front of the laptop, fired up the internet and made her watch the official trailer for Death Wish and explains to her that there’s been something missing from their love life. A spark that’s been gone since Death Wish 5 killed the franchise and with it his boner. Then she has to make a choice. I feel for her. 

I tell you what isn't going to be giving anyone any boners, and that’s this week’s episode of Trek. It was Mirror, Mirror and despite a crazy sex pun that I’m amazed made it past 1960’s TV censors it was a real boner killer. 


Kirk, Uhura, Scotty, and McCoy are on a planet negotiating whether or not they can mine the planet’s Dilithium crystals. The folks who run this planet say they won’t because there’s a chance they’ll use them for war. Kirk smugly tells them that they’re super peaceful and are good folks. Which is kind of dumb because there’s already been a bunch of skirmishes. They get beamed up and oh no! Everything has changed. They find themselves in a weird backward universe where everything and everyone is violent and evil. You can tell this because Spock has a goatee. Also, he tortures someone for a simple fuck up. 
60’s America: Not cool with interracial kissing, but okay the least subtle wet pussy pun ever punned

They realize they have to try to blend in. Chekov tries to kill Kirk to get a promotion. Sulu tries to rape Uhura on the bridge. Twice. Don’t care how savage your universe is you’re probably not raping a fellow officer in full view of everyone else. 

Practice make perfucked

They realize that an ion storm caused a transporter malfunction and they need to recreate it soon in order to get back home. Hopefully, before they murdered and/or raped. Which is becoming more difficult because Spock is on to them due to Kirk not murdering the Dilithium people. There’s a lot of fights and also evil Kirk evidently has this weird kill machine in his quarters that his girlfriend wants him to use, which he declines because he’s not evil Kirk, he’s just incompetent Kirk. 

The subtle face of evil

Spock and Kirk fight. Kirk wins. McCoy risks letting his window back home close to help save evil Spock’s life. Evil Spock shows some humanity by helping them all go back to the normal universe. Where Kirk meets the good version of his evil girlfriend. 

Good Trek?

I really expected to hate this episode. I’m familiar enough with the dark mirror universe. It seems like a silly trope which gets sillier and sillier the more times they do it. I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would, but I didn’t like it. So I’ll say that no, this was not even remotely good Trek. The whole concept of an entire universe where everyone acts the opposite seems like something that actors like to do. I’m sure it can be boring playing the same character day in and day out. You want to mix stuff up. So you have the writers dream up a universe where you get to act all silly and overact the shit out an episode. 
Hey, Kirk, you're trying to keep that you're in the wrong universe a secret. Why the fuck are you recording captain's logs, you dumb shit?

Hey, listen. I know it’s a show. And it’s kind of a silly show at that. But come the fuck on. So these two societies evolved completely differently. One in which everyone is normal and one in which everyone is violent and hateful and mean and all that stuff. And someone all these same people ended up serving on the same ship which looks remarkably similar to the other one. It’s just a little too silly. Maybe if you look at it in a way where there’s just millions upon millions of alternate universes and this is the one that looks like this. But still. I think it’s a lazy plot device that led to a lot of bad performances. 
Nazi Spocks, fuck off

This strikes me as an outfit that Shatner picked out himself because he wanted to look sexy and show off his guns. So I say he deserves to have ridicule heaped upon him. Seriously. I would love to talk to a woman who watched this back in the sixties to see if he was thought of as a sexy person. He’s just so doughy and dumb looking.

60's women liked their men with all the dough and grease of a Chicago style pizza

I’m sure it looked fine back in the 60’s but Sulu’s scar is some of the absolute worst makeup effects that I’ve ever seen, but it still looks better than Spock’s goatee. 

So this different universe affected multiple planets? The whole universe is “dark.”  Everyone is dark and evil in this universe because who knows. The one planet not affected by the darkness of this dark universe is the planet that kicks off the plot. Wouldn’t they be dark and evil too? They’re still pacifists to make Kirk’s moral dilemma harder. I call bullshit.

Worse Trek?

DS9 did a bunch of episodes in the mirror universe. I’m not a huge fan of any of them. Deep Space 9 is probably my favorite show of all time. But good gravy do all the actors ham the shit out of those mirror universe episodes. Sisko is an amazing character, but drunk evil Sisko sucks (I’m sorry, Mr. Brooks). None of those DS9 ones are worse than this, but they’re not great. Especially some of the ones towards the end of the run where so many story lines were coming together then we had to spend an episode in the dark universe. It was just such a waste of time.

I also read one of the novels. TNG stayed away from the dark mirror universe, but that didn’t stop a writer from trying it. It was bad. Even for a Star Trek novel, it was bad. I don’t recall the name of it. Just that it really sucked. TNG never got into the mirror universe, but they did the next worse thing. They gave Data an evil twin. Brent Spiner is great, but Jesus Christ his episodes where he plays both Data and Lore and pretty brutal.

Better Trek?

Enterprise did two episodes in the mirror universe. They weren’t great, but they were fun in terms of fan service. Plus they redid the opening credits to reflect the dark nature of the universe. It was silly and fun. There it is. 

TNG: Parallels. One of my absolute favorite Treks. Word finds himself jumping between alternate dimensions where everything is just a little different. Luckily all them alternate universes had him serving on the Enterprise and none of the shifting just had him deposited in open space. You’d think if you jump enough times that would be a very real possibility. But alas, he doesn’t. It’s great. One of my all time favorite episodes. 

Well, that’s it for this one. Please don’t jack off to the Death Wish trailer. 

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