Wednesday, December 19, 2018

I watched How Sarah Got Her Wings and I got problems with it.

I'm kinda a sucker for Christmas. Maybe it’s because my dad always was a sucker for Christmas, but I like it. I like Christmas music. Even the shitty Christmas music. I like decorating and tinsel and all that fucking horse shit that comes with this time of year. I love it. I never really got into the Christmas movies though until recently and now I can’t get enough. The shittier the Christmas movie the better. 

I like the top tier ones like Love, Actually and The Christmas Chronicles. I like the second tier ones like The Christmas Prince and The Princess Switch. And I even like the third tier ones like whatever garbage Haley Duff and/or Melissa Joan Hart was forced to churn out. Then there’s a little film called How Sarah Got Her Wings. I don’t know if it’s the best bad movie or the worst. But it’s worth a watch because it is straight bonkers. 

The movie starts with our protagonist, Sarah, volunteering at what appears to be a homeless shelter. She goes to fetch a homeless guy’s dog and gets hit by a goddamn bus. She’s not allowed into heaven so she has to go back to earth and help her exboyfriend buy a bar (???) by channeling the dead wife of the guy who currently owns the bar. In the process, she falls back in love with her ex and goes back to heaven. 
This is Sarah's archangel. She spends the entire movie telling people she's horny and workplace harassing her suboordinate. 

At this point, you’d think that the movie would be over. She fell in love. She’s back in heaven. What else could happen? My friend put it best when she said: “Aww, that’s sweet she fell in love so now she get’s to go to heaven…wait there’s still 42 minutes left?” 

She goes back to heaven. Turns out she’s still not heaven worthy. Has to go back to earth and help her ex’s other ex. Don’t know why. She has to help them get back together because he spent too much hanging out with the ghost of his ex and trying to buy a bar. Takes a while. About 42 minutes. And she realizes that she’ll never get into heaven, but decides to take over people’s bodies so she can get her ex and his ex to hook up again. 

The movie ends with her being sent back before she got smooshed by the goddamn bus and she gets rescued by a guy named Hank and they presumably bone. Nothing explicit is shown. But the boning is definitely implied. 

The movie itself is just atrocious. The acting isn’t as bad as you’d assume. But here are my three biggest problems. 


How much is this guy a discount Chris Pratt? Like, so much so it’s distracting. He looks like the Chris Pratt version of that I want a famous face show. That’s a weird thing to do. The dude is seven years younger than Chris Pratt. So he went into acting knowing who he looked like. His whole career will be made up of people squinting and going “is that…Chris Pratt? It can’t be.” before they check IMDB to make sure. You can’t go into acting looking so much like an already existing celebrity. I can’t imagine that’s ever worked out for the second person to come along. 
This isn't Chris Pratt. I sweat it. 

Problem 2

The dude who owns the bar her ex buys dies right after he sells (or maybe just gives…it’s never made clear) discount Chris Pratt the bar. We know this because Sarah runs into him next time she’s hanging out in Purgatory asking if she’s allowed into heaven yet. He’s there. He tells her that he had a stroke and now he gets to hang out with his wife. They share a bottle of wine and it’s supposed to be sweet. But it’s not. They’re both outside heaven. Neither of them are in there. They’re both in purgatory outside the gates of heaven sharing that bottle of wine. How is that sweet? She only says that she has the one bottle anyhow. So they better nurse it. Because it literally has to last them for eternity. 
Yo, what the fuck?

Problem 3

Sarah never gets smooshed by the bus. So everything is negated. I’ve seen enough time travel episodes of Star Trek to know all about shit being undone like this. So she’s not there to help him get his bar. His one dream never comes true. He says that he couldn’t afford it. He only gets it because Sarah and the bar owner’s dead wife intervene. That means that not Chris Pratt meets with him, doesn't have enough money, and then the bar owner quietly has a stroke a week later and the bar is sold to some shitty developer and turned into condos. 

Plus, Sarah never intervened with his relationship either. They were having problems. It looked like they were on the road to splitsville before Sarah stepped in. They still are. They're done for. Sarah never helps so now they’ll still break up and stay broken up. Plus, now that Sarah has a Hank to bone she’ll definitely be spending less time volunteering at the homeless shelter. The only person who gets a happy ending is Sarah. Not only does she learn a lot about herself, but she gets a free pass into heaven. Her archangel tells her she can use it whenever. She gets to do whatever she wants now and will just be able to waltz right into heaven. 

I guess Hank gets a happy ending too. He gets to bone Sarah now. 

All that being said I give this movie a 4.5/5. I definitely recommend. 

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